Ask Ally: The Thunderous Edition

There is a thunderstorm coming up. It’s been about two years since I had a proper thunderstorm, but I’ve been watching the clouds settle over top of our house and listening to the thunder move closer and closer. Now the wind that precedes the rain has made way for the torrential downpour that precedes the real thunder and lightning show, and I’ve shut down the house – made it as silent as possible, and turned off all of the lights – and opened the back door so I can fully enjoy the experience.

Excellent. I have recorded some of it, which I may add later. Some bolt lightning, some chain lightning, the power went off twice, and some nice claps and rolls of thunder. Delicious!

But this wondrous, thunderous experience has put both me and my brother in mind of the dark, the dreary, the terrifying, the horrible. We began to brood on the most hideous examples of humanity. We began to talk of… the Twilight series. Oooh… a well timed thunderclap followed the typing of those words (I am not kidding, it really did).

Ask Ally: The “Yo Mama” Edition

Dear Ally,

Why are there joke murderers? Why do they exist?

Best,
Gráinne

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Sehr geehrter Herr Gráinne,

My free online translator slaved over that extensive piece of English to German translation, so you’d best appreciate. Also it best be right. Because if we cannot trust the internets, who can we trust?

Your question might require some explanation for those who have had the good fortune not to run into such an individual, or who have but are not familiar with the term “joke murderer”.

A joke murderer indicates a person who, by some sort of innate talent or through the absolute lack of a sense of humour, manages to destroy what would have otherwise been a perfectly funny joke. I must clarify: I am not merely referring to someone who is incapable of delivering a scripted joke (as those are never funny) or whose failure to understand a joke causes for a lengthy explanation which negates the humour.

Ask Ally: The “Alphabet Soup” Edition

Dear Ally,

If you could remove one letter from the alphabet which would it be and why? And how would that whole process work?

Thanks,

Joanna, Botswana

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My Dearest Jo-jo-jo-jo-joanna,

Ohhh the alphabet. It has been my enemy for many a long year. And that’s saying something, because I don’t have many enemies. I am a very calm and logical person, not at all prone to fits of passion or irrational rage.

I don’t immensely dislike many people, just Stephen Harper, Gordon Brown, George Bush, Renee Zellweger, Brian (and Ben) Mulroney, Jamie Oliver, Bill Gates (and all of Microsoft), Kiera Knightley, Tom Cruise, nasty PDA couples who refuse to separate for three seconds on a narrow sidewalk forcing other people to walk into oncoming traffic to avoid them, those creepy eyebrow kids from the Cadbury’s commercial, my evil flatmate Cheryl, my evil flatmate Amanda, Grainne Watson, Jack Thompson, Peter MacKay, all of those muderous dictators, Jaques Derrida, Diana Vickers, Sarah Palin, the cast and crew of The Blair Witch 2, Miley Sirus, Hayden Christiansen, the hoardes of posh little brats that pour forth from the gate of George Heriot’s school…

“Gesundheit” – Another Ask Ally Quickie

Dear Ally,

Can you still say bless you after someone sneezes even if you don’t believe in God, and therefore don’t believe in an entity that can bless the person? If not, then what are you supposed to say so you don’t seem like an uncaring bitch? And not guzuntite (or whatever), because that’s just annoying.

Thanks,

Joanna, Botswana

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My dear Joanna,

I thought that your question was just perfect to throw in during the Easter holidaze, since it seems a natural time for me to take a break from work (and procrastination from work). I was going to stay away from blogging during this time of my insane stress, but it seems that I just love my little readers so much that I had to give them something (plus, I couldn’t be outdone by that floppy-eared chocolate pushing imposter who calls himself the “Easter Bunny”. That pervert… I’m on to him!).