Emily of Ottawa writes:

Dear Ally,
Can you explain to me exactly “what’s the deal” with Skinny Pants? You are very smart, and pretty, and just generally all around the coolest and most awesomest person I’ve ever even read about, let alone had the immense pleasure to meet, so I thought that, out of all the 6 billion people on this planet, you were the best one to ask. Also, out of all the 6 billion people on this planet, you are the one I would most like to have my many babies.

Thanks!
Emily.

*   *   *   *   *

Well, Emily,

I must admit that here my seemingly inexhaustible resource of knowledge runs dry. However, I can leave the terra-firma that is hard facts (on which I always base my every opinion) and wade nipple-deep in the murky waters that constitute conjecture. And so I shall. Here I go:

Skinny Pants (n): Pronounced: “skeh-nee-pahnts.”

The skinny pant has evolved out of a long tradition of confusingly popular and wildly unattractive pants, most of which have (not to make use of prejudicial stereotypes) generally been a member of the genus denim. It is in fact the popular scientific opinion that the skinny jean is merely an extremist faction of the fallen Tapered Leg Jean which caused such controversy for several decades at the close of the 20th century.

Despite extensive analysis, the basis for the current popularity in the skinny jean continues to elude researchers, although theories have been put forth that its vilification of all but the most emaciated body-types of either gender is a means of erasing the gender specific nature of those social guilt-trips traditionally placed on the female body.

Research into the skinny pant continues to examine such areas as baggiosity, the teenage angst effect, and the ratio of ankle circumference to penguin-crotch length in the hopes of revealing some clues that may yet lead to the unraveling of that thick, hand-spun ball of mystery at the heart of which lies this enigma of enigmas.
In the meantime, however, the skinny jean remains to most a skid-mark on the underpants of fashion, and to all an enduring mystery which, let’s be honest, pretty much looks crap on everyone.

Oh, and Emily? You’re already pregnant with my child. There’s no need to thank me – just feel the glow.