An “Un-Bear-able” Edition

Dear Ally,

Which bear is best?

Thanks,
Joanna, Botswana

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My Dearest Joanna,

Which bear? Well, bear in mind that there are many different kind of bears. Grizzly bears, Polar bears, Black bears, Blue bears, Yellow bears, Purple bears, Koala bears, Panda bears, Kodiak bears, Gobi bears, Atlas bears, Sun bears, Moon bears, Sloth bears, Cave bears, House bears, Spectacle bears, Hat bears, Shoe bears, etc, etc, etc…

I may have made some of those up (surprisingly, Spectacle bears wasn’t one of them), but I can assure you that there are several different bears to take into consideration; I can barely begin to evaluate the qualities of each bear, but if I were to look particularly at the bare necessities, I think I could easily narrow it down to the following breeds of bear: Polar, Grizzly, Panda, Black, and Moon. Sorry, Kodiak – I made up Moon bears.

Now, when I think of bears, I am immediately reminded of beauty queens. Wait, sorry, that’s wrong. When I think of beauty queens, I am immediately reminded of bears, and of how much I would enjoy watching a bear set loose in a beauty pageant. But whatever the mental process, the fact remains that the two are inextricably linked in my mind

The Thunderous Edition

There is a thunderstorm coming up. It’s been about two years since I had a proper thunderstorm, but I’ve been watching the clouds settle over top of our house and listening to the thunder move closer and closer. Now the wind that precedes the rain has made way for the torrential downpour that precedes the real thunder and lightning show, and I’ve shut down the house – made it as silent as possible, and turned off all of the lights – and opened the back door so I can fully enjoy the experience.

Excellent. I have recorded some of it, which I may add later. Some bolt lightning, some chain lightning, the power went off twice, and some nice claps and rolls of thunder. Delicious!

But this wondrous, thunderous experience has put both me and my brother in mind of the dark, the dreary, the terrifying, the horrible. We began to brood on the most hideous examples of humanity. We began to talk of… the Twilight series. Oooh… a well timed thunderclap followed the typing of those words (I am not kidding, it really did).

The “Yo Mama” Edition

Dear Ally,

Why are there joke murderers? Why do they exist?

Best,
Gráinne

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Sehr geehrter Herr Gráinne,

My free online translator slaved over that extensive piece of English to German translation, so you’d best appreciate. Also it best be right. Because if we cannot trust the internets, who can we trust?

Your question might require some explanation for those who have had the good fortune not to run into such an individual, or who have but are not familiar with the term “joke murderer”.

A joke murderer indicates a person who, by some sort of innate talent or through the absolute lack of a sense of humour, manages to destroy what would have otherwise been a perfectly funny joke. I must clarify: I am not merely referring to someone who is incapable of delivering a scripted joke (as those are never funny) or whose failure to understand a joke causes for a lengthy explanation which negates the humour.

The “Alphabet Soup” Edition

Dear Ally,

If you could remove one letter from the alphabet which would it be and why? And how would that whole process work?

Thanks,

Joanna, Botswana

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My Dearest Jo-jo-jo-jo-joanna,

Ohhh the alphabet. It has been my enemy for many a long year. And that’s saying something, because I don’t have many enemies. I am a very calm and logical person, not at all prone to fits of passion or irrational rage.

I don’t immensely dislike many people, just Stephen Harper, Gordon Brown, George Bush, Renee Zellweger, Brian (and Ben) Mulroney, Jamie Oliver, Bill Gates (and all of Microsoft), Kiera Knightley, Tom Cruise, nasty PDA couples who refuse to separate for three seconds on a narrow sidewalk forcing other people to walk into oncoming traffic to avoid them, those creepy eyebrow kids from the Cadbury’s commercial, my evil flatmate Cheryl, my evil flatmate Amanda, Grainne Watson, Jack Thompson, Peter MacKay, all of those muderous dictators, Jaques Derrida, Diana Vickers, Sarah Palin, the cast and crew of The Blair Witch 2, Miley Sirus, Hayden Christiansen, the hoardes of posh little brats that pour forth from the gate of George Heriot’s school…