A belly, belly good day to you all!

Back in October of 2004, I received an interesting e-mail in my inbox. As I read on, I found a smile on my face. It got bigger and bigger with each passing line. It was an e-mail that has stuck with me through good times and bad, through hard times and easy livin’, and most importantly, through thick and thin.

I would like to share the contents of that e-mail with you now, friends (the potential 6 of you that aren’t my close friends IRL who I e-mailed this to last night, or my Facebook friends who I tagged in a note containing this information early this morning). And so, without further ado:

I hereby declare October 5, 2009, to be the 5th annual celebration of…

BELLY APPRECIATION DAY!

Happy Belly Day, friends!

The “Inked” Edition

Hey Ally! It’s Paul. You know … one of the guys that lives with your brother. We’ve met a couple times. I have had a question to ask you for sometime now, and am finally asking you this question. I will celebrate once I have sent this and proceed to announce my self-pride to the world. So here it is:

I have been thinking of getting a tattoo on my right shoulder blade. The design is one that a buddy from high school drew for me and is a some what complex design. Now the dilemma is finding a place in the KW area that is not too sketchy and expensive to get such a custom tattoo done. So I have come to you, Ally. I wish to know if there are some reputable places in the KW area that don’t charge you an arm and a leg to get a custom tattoo done. Thank you and I can’t wait to read your response to it.

Paul V

P.S. I was reading your post about your dog and I loved it… shear genius =D

* * * * *

Dear Paul,

Ah yes, I remember you. You had hair, I believe, when we met. Also possibly some sort of face, and at least one foot. Anyway, I would like to preface this answer with a comment: cool tattoo! It will look scrumtrelescent. If you don’t know what that means, look it up – but not in any “real” dictionary; that kind of thing ain’t my style. For those of you who haven’t seen this tattoo – it sucks to be you, but I’m not putting it up here, because that would mean one of the six people who read this blog might get it, and ruin the originality… and I will not stand for any of that!

Moving along…

The “Roommate Rage” Edition

Two questions came my way about dealing with roommates this week. Hear that? Two. That’s one more than one! Clearly people are hurting, and it’s up to me to help.

First, Zatylia, from the Umbrella Corporation, wrote:

Dear Ally,

Thank God you are back from your hiatus. I felt incomplete.

Question: how do you tell a roommate that his music sucks? Keep in mind I’m passive aggressive!

LOVE YOU!

ZATYLIA MAESTRAM

Second, Tired and Cranky desperately asked:

Dear Ally,

How do you tell a roommate that you hate when her boyfriend is over because because you can’t get to sleep? Without causing a fight, that is.

Tired and Cranky (…I like sleep).

*   *   *   *   *

Ah, my dearest Zatylia and Ms. Cranky – how much I do sympathize with you.

I must tell you a tiny little secret – but be careful not to repeat it, lest it get back to the wrong ears: I too have suffered through the abominable hell of roommates. Don’t even get me started on the gaggle I managed to rope together last year! What a bunch of horrible old hags they were! Noisy, disrespectful, generally inconsiderate both of my private property and my personal space, and not to mention their almost complete and total lack of attention to hygiene!

The “It’s About Damned Time” Edition

Well, honestly, it’s about time someone got around to asking me this all important question.It actually almost hurts that no one thought to ask me before. Almost, but then, not. So here comes part two of my brilliant demonstration of reciprocity (in return I fully expect nothing less than absolute love and admiration)…

Definitely-not-Cailen from Antigonish types,

Dear Ally

Wowzers, I just read your “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” edition, and was blown away-ish.[...Edited for posterity...] My question is: how did you manage to become so awesome? I think I’m kinda awesome, but think I could learn from you if you attempted to teach me.

Sincerely,

Definitely-not-Cailen

* * * * *

Dear “Not-Cailen”

This wouldn’t be the “not Cailen” who is performing at the Bauer Theatre in Antigonish tomorrow starting at 8pm and costing only $7.00? If it were, that would be pretty nifty, and I’d advise any Ask Ally readers in the “Go-nish area to attend.
Shameless advertisements aside, I truly hope that this question was not posed sarcastically. Because I seriously have much to teach (and you, therefore, much to learn). The true strength of my awesomnity is such that it can never be revealed to mere mortal, however I can, if I deem the cause worthy, allow a ray of pure brilliance to glance upon the eye of the most humble worshiper. Maybe. If you bring cookies.