The “Holy Matrimony” Edition

One Mr Kiby Bibz, from Canadia, writes,

Dearest Just-Short-of-Omniscient Ally,

I have been questing for many a winter to find an answer to this most crucial of questions, with a full bucket of failure to show for it. I ask you, then, in my time of need to bring wisdom and insight, such as you are wont to do, and throw it unceremoniously at my question, resulting in the mysterious pink goo of answer stuff.

So, dear Ally, where does the future of relationships and unions lie?

Your number two fan (hilarious mental image),
Kiby

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My dearest Mr Bibz,

Please excuse me for a moment, won’t you? There is a tiny caterpillar on my windowsill that I must take care of. There – be free you little creepy-crawly, and get the hell out of my ivy plant.

Moving along, your question intrigues me greatly, mainly because of its somewhat visceral description of the question-answer process. However, it also drove me to ponder the nature of relationships at great length.

A “Famously Tragic” Edition

Mona, from Tuscon, writes:

Dear Ally,
Can you help me to explain something? Why why why would the universe take away, not only one teen heart throb, but two??? What cosmic force is causing the deaths of Brad Renfro and Heath Ledger? Who is next? Who is next???

Can you please answer these questions? It will give me the closure I need to continue in life.

Sincerely,
Mourning Mona

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My Dear Mona,

In the wake of the tragedies to which you refer, thousands of people are left hopelessly searching the clouds for an answer. And I don’t mean the friends and family, or close acquaintances, I mean thousands of complete and total strangers who clutch their glitter-glue signs, tear tracks staining their faces.
These people’s gutwrenching sadness stems not from sympathy with the previously mentioned friends or family but from the much more important connection that they have formed with the celebrity in question, based entirely on film characters and their own intensely invested daydreams.

It’s either that or that they’re just really upset that they’re going to be denied several hours of mind-numbing entertainment while they stuff their faces with Becel-slathered popcorn.