An Open Letter to the Arseholes Living Across the Way…

To the individuals currently living across from me,

You will excuse me, I hope, if I come across as rude. You see, you have kept me awake for TWELVE CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS with your drunken inanity and a distinct lack of sleep has made me somewhat short of temper. Indeed, I fear that another drunken shriek may push me over the edge into the realm of the downright cantankerous.

Ah, you must be the fellow who threw a kegger in the flat directly across from my building last night.

I have racked my brains for a way to get through to you: super-soakers, oversized banners with suspect spelling hung from the window, passive aggressive Morse code communiques, axe murder, the “Rants and Raves” section of the Edinburgh Craigslist, in-between a posting of love for Susan Boyle and a warning about the doom facing our children which I strongly suspect carries a heavy xenophobic bent.

However, as per usual, this is the channel through which I shall express myself, fully aware that in the next 30 days not one of you shall have read it, and you all shall have continued in your aggressive acts of disrespect, while I will long since have taken refuge in my newest recreational hobby of day-dreaming about smashing your personal belongings.

A Theoretical Edition

Dear Ally,

Why has Louis Althusser decided to make my life miserable by not clearly defining “ideologies” or “interpellation”?

Best,
Trish

* * *

Oh Trish. My poor Trish.

I wish I could tell you that it’s because he doesn’t like your face. I wish that I could blame it on Optimus Prime, or an Althusser-zombie-Hitler alliance. I wish it were that easy to explain away.

But the truth is far more painful. Because the truth is, on a basic molecular structure, Althusser is just like you and I.