The “Alphabet Soup” Edition

Dear Ally,

If you could remove one letter from the alphabet which would it be and why? And how would that whole process work?

Thanks,

Joanna, Botswana

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My Dearest Jo-jo-jo-jo-joanna,

Ohhh the alphabet. It has been my enemy for many a long year. And that’s saying something, because I don’t have many enemies. I am a very calm and logical person, not at all prone to fits of passion or irrational rage.

I don’t immensely dislike many people, just Stephen Harper, Gordon Brown, George Bush, Renee Zellweger, Brian (and Ben) Mulroney, Jamie Oliver, Bill Gates (and all of Microsoft), Kiera Knightley, Tom Cruise, nasty PDA couples who refuse to separate for three seconds on a narrow sidewalk forcing other people to walk into oncoming traffic to avoid them, those creepy eyebrow kids from the Cadbury’s commercial, my evil flatmate Cheryl, my evil flatmate Amanda, Grainne Watson, Jack Thompson, Peter MacKay, all of those muderous dictators, Jaques Derrida, Diana Vickers, Sarah Palin, the cast and crew of The Blair Witch 2, Miley Sirus, Hayden Christiansen, the hoardes of posh little brats that pour forth from the gate of George Heriot’s school…

The “It’s About Damned Time” Edition

Well, honestly, it’s about time someone got around to asking me this all important question.It actually almost hurts that no one thought to ask me before. Almost, but then, not. So here comes part two of my brilliant demonstration of reciprocity (in return I fully expect nothing less than absolute love and admiration)…

Definitely-not-Cailen from Antigonish types,

Dear Ally

Wowzers, I just read your “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” edition, and was blown away-ish.[...Edited for posterity...] My question is: how did you manage to become so awesome? I think I’m kinda awesome, but think I could learn from you if you attempted to teach me.

Sincerely,

Definitely-not-Cailen

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Dear “Not-Cailen”

This wouldn’t be the “not Cailen” who is performing at the Bauer Theatre in Antigonish tomorrow starting at 8pm and costing only $7.00? If it were, that would be pretty nifty, and I’d advise any Ask Ally readers in the “Go-nish area to attend.
Shameless advertisements aside, I truly hope that this question was not posed sarcastically. Because I seriously have much to teach (and you, therefore, much to learn). The true strength of my awesomnity is such that it can never be revealed to mere mortal, however I can, if I deem the cause worthy, allow a ray of pure brilliance to glance upon the eye of the most humble worshiper. Maybe. If you bring cookies.