A “Famously Tragic” Edition

Mona, from Tuscon, writes:

Dear Ally,
Can you help me to explain something? Why why why would the universe take away, not only one teen heart throb, but two??? What cosmic force is causing the deaths of Brad Renfro and Heath Ledger? Who is next? Who is next???

Can you please answer these questions? It will give me the closure I need to continue in life.

Sincerely,
Mourning Mona

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My Dear Mona,

In the wake of the tragedies to which you refer, thousands of people are left hopelessly searching the clouds for an answer. And I don’t mean the friends and family, or close acquaintances, I mean thousands of complete and total strangers who clutch their glitter-glue signs, tear tracks staining their faces.
These people’s gutwrenching sadness stems not from sympathy with the previously mentioned friends or family but from the much more important connection that they have formed with the celebrity in question, based entirely on film characters and their own intensely invested daydreams.

It’s either that or that they’re just really upset that they’re going to be denied several hours of mind-numbing entertainment while they stuff their faces with Becel-slathered popcorn.

The “Optimus Prime” Edition

Kirk, from Ottawa, writes:

I have a question for the great, ubiquitous Ally. Like all good things in life it is a 2 parter…
1) Where do babies come from?
2) Are new babies properly equipped to meet the needs of the modern urban crime environment?
3) Why don’t I understand the 2 part question?

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Dear Kirk,

Ahh, you have some good age-old questions in there. And I am pleased by your use of a four syllable word in my honour: “ubiquitous.” I can think of no other word to describe me better. But moving along from your verbal aptitude…

Babies – always with the babies. I remember, when I was a small child, my mother told me all about it. She gave me some song and dance about how when a man and a woman are in love they give each other a special hug. Then the stork comes and things get all kinky and maybe there’s a little bit of Boyz II Men playing in the background. Then some things might go where they’re really not supposed to but as long as the man’s yoo-hoo/willy makes its way into the woman’s vagoo at some point or another, the stork will eventually emerge from the mummy’s tummy carrying a baby in a cloth sack and that’s where your baby brother came from.