The “Disturbia” Edition

Emily of Ottawa writes:

Dear Ally,

I have a burning question….

Can you explain why suburban kids are so emo? I mean, what do they have to be sad about? Their parents are rich, they all have expensive clothes? They could change the world if they used their money for good, not evil like buying the new Q and not U album… why must they be so annoying?

I know that only you can help me with this. Your hair is soft and shiny, and your fashion sense is such that should be (as it is) admired by all.

* * * * *

Dear Emily,

Ahhh, the Emo kids. I believe that the ones you refer to are what most cultural experts would call “Scene” kids: those who feel it appropriate – nay, necessary – to mold themselves to whatever trend makes itself most visible at any given time.

The “Skinny Jeans” Edition

Emily of Ottawa writes:

Dear Ally,
Can you explain to me exactly “what’s the deal” with Skinny Pants? You are very smart, and pretty, and just generally all around the coolest and most awesomest person I’ve ever even read about, let alone had the immense pleasure to meet, so I thought that, out of all the 6 billion people on this planet, you were the best one to ask. Also, out of all the 6 billion people on this planet, you are the one I would most like to have my many babies.

Thanks!
Emily.

*   *   *   *   *

Well, Emily,

I must admit that here my seemingly inexhaustible resource of knowledge runs dry. However, I can leave the terra-firma that is hard facts (on which I always base my every opinion) and wade nipple-deep in the murky waters that constitute conjecture. And so I shall. Here I go:

Skinny Pants (n): Pronounced: “skeh-nee-pahnts.”