The “Disturbia” Edition

In Advice, Funny, People, Social Commentary on October 24, 2007 at 1:00 pm

Emily of Ottawa writes:

Dear Ally,

I have a burning question….

Can you explain why suburban kids are so emo? I mean, what do they have to be sad about? Their parents are rich, they all have expensive clothes? They could change the world if they used their money for good, not evil like buying the new Q and not U album… why must they be so annoying?

I know that only you can help me with this. Your hair is soft and shiny, and your fashion sense is such that should be (as it is) admired by all.

* * * * *

Dear Emily,

Ahhh, the Emo kids. I believe that the ones you refer to are what most cultural experts would call “Scene” kids: those who feel it appropriate – nay, necessary – to mold themselves to whatever trend makes itself most visible at any given time.

The model for the past few years, as you have aptly pointed out, is the Emo trend, traditionally marked by the previously mentioned skinny jeans, androgynous fashion style, unnaturally dark black hair styled most often with a dramatic set of side-part-bangs draping over one eye, and large amounts of scarring on visible parts of the arms and legs. This last is usually explained by the subject’s “cutting themselves,” an act which they believe offers a release to the overwhelming tide of emotions which churn within their frail bodies.

But this we all know – any one can identify an Emo boy or girl. Your question is why members of a privileged economic group in society feel the need to assail our ears with their droning, whiny songs and poetry detailing the unbearable angst within their tortured souls.

And why indeed?

"Sometimes I just turn off all the lights in my room and cry... and then I blog about it"

Well, consider the world in which these creatures exist. Is suburbia in any way a part of – or even remotely similar to – any aspect of life as everyone else knows it? No. It is more similar to Barbie’s Dreamhouse than to anything of nature. This atmosphere almost completely eliminates the capacity for abstract thought, at the same time as it creates a haven for those living within.
You may be thinking as well as I that this only serves to further prove your point that these Emo youngsters have no basis for their moaning.

However, even the powers of the mighty suburban Neighbourhood Watch Association cannot keep puberty out of these plastic bubble worlds. They can – and do – make liberal use of discussion, submitted complaints to the electoral representative of their respective community, and even small explosive devices known as “land mines” to keep the scourge of pestilence, homeless people, litter, and chipmunks at bay; however, against puberty they are defenseless (I say defenseless because although many secret governmental forces are currently at work devising an attack against puberty, thus far they have been unsuccessful in gaining ground against such a powerful guerrilla army).

And so, what occurs in respect to these poor little pets is that somewhere around the age of about 12 or 13, their smooth, tender, unprotected little hineys become chaffed by the course, grating toilet paper of puberty. Devoid of the ability to intellectually analyze their situation, or the strength of character to accept it, they are lost with no where to turn.

The fashion line between "Emo" and "Hipster" seems to be a bit blurred here.

Along comes the Emo scene, ripe with the opportunity to express through personal style, online poetry websites and clip-art the angsty turmoil within. How can these poor lambs do anything but take hold and cling with their skinny little arms? Especially when the fashion can so easily be obtained at Walmart or Zellers.

And yes, I agree with you that just a simple glance should reveal to these pitiable fools how fortunate they really are. But be reasonable, please – how is it that one can take a good look at the world when one is so deeply preoccupied in carving heartfelt poetry into one’s own flesh? In calligraphy? Would you interrupt that kind of deep focus for something as mundane as real internal reflection?

Well, of course we all would, but remember that such an act is not possible for the suburban Emo, their ability to reason for themselves having never developed, leading them to become trapped in the situation in the first place.

It is, truly, a sad cycle for which these things ought to be pitied. In fact, I have recently set up a charity for that very purpose. It is called the Emo Assistance Team for the Support of Highly Irritating Teenagers, or else the EATSHIT initiative.
Our aims include the education of suburban Emo teens regarding the world outside their own, as well as the education of the world about the hardships and tribulations which these poor souls face every day.

For an information pamphlet, or to make a donation, please contact me by e-mail. Donations must be made in the form of $100 bills, high priced non-designer clothing, razor blades, or cheques. Cheques made out for anything below $1000.00 will not be accepted.

An Interpretation


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