askally

The “Thuggiosity” Edition

In Advice, Funny, Life, People, Social Commentary on November 1, 2007 at 1:25 pm

Dan, from Hamilton, writes:

Dear Ally,

I have noticed a trend in facebook groups and various photographs around the internet. This trend involves boys (I would not use the term men) of the thuggy persuasion. In every photograph these boys take part in they are flashing their middle finger and talking on a cellphone/drinking a beer. I am just curious if there is a scientific basis behind this phenomena or if every single kid with a sideways baseball cap and baggy pants is mad at a camera person for interrupting their important business phone call.

Ta darling!

No cell phone, but we all know what you mean.

Dan

*   *   *   *   *

Dear Dan (ma man),

It is interesting that you post this question as, sadly too late to be considered for this year’s Nobel prize, scientists and mathematicians have made some brilliant discoveries in the territory of thuggiology.
It would appear that the thug, or “Dude” has gone through some stunning examples of de-evolution in the last quarter of a century.
The thug initially evolved out of a need for security. During the 1980’s the emergence of “blow” and terrifyingly quirky hairstyles caused some people to fear for their very lives, which is perfectly understandable. Many saw these trends as linked to that controversial notion of individualism which continues to terrorize the majority of the middle-to-upper-class Western population.

Well, this one sure is pissed off at his phone.

Just to ensure that I’ve covered all my bases, I should tell you that theories have been developed recently which posit the birth of the thug in relation to the 1960’s American activist explosion. The fear had its roots in the same idea of uniqueness, but with less-threatening hairstyles and more-threatening protest slogans.

Whether in the 1960’s or the 1980’s or somewhere in between (that would be the 1970’s for those of you with a grade 3 education), the thug was certainly born out of a public fear and the need for security.
For some reason that scientists have not been able to peg down, the public turned towards men, specifically broad, muscular, if not particularly intelligent, men. Was this at all related to the ancient Olympics and its glorification of the masculine form? Or perhaps to the millennia of patriarchal exultation of all things manly? Perhaps it was derived from the Italian and Spanish concept of machismo.

Whatever the case, it came to pass that, for the first time in history, young, strong, verile, dumb-as-a-post men were told that they were special.

Let the importance of this moment not be discounted – for a period of time “thugs”, also known as “hired goons” and “the NFL”, were raised on pedestals and practically (or literally, in some cases) worshiped as Gods.
Those more religious of you might wonder where the almighty Christian God was with his fire, brimstone, and horrible, vengeful death, but the truth of the matter is that God himself was afraid of the hairstyles of the 1980’s, and when those hairstyles transfigured into the heavy use of florescent scrunchies during the early 1990’s, he stepped back saying “this has nothing to do with me. I had no part in these”. From time to time, even he could be seen fawning over the Denver Broncos.

Backstory aside, thugs reached their peak almost as soon as they were born. For during the 1990’s the freaky individualism was finally subdued to calm, monotonous apathy, and there was just no perceived use for the thugs anymore. Through the introductions of the chemicals THC, Alcohol, and a liberal dose of Eminem, the thugs wound up at the bottom end of a tailspin which most frequently manifests itself in the photos you described.The Unfortunate Cycle of Thuggiosity

In the breakthrough that I mentioned above, scientists discovered that, in fact, no matter what position or action the thug was in or doing at the time the photograph was taken, the result is always – always – a picture of them flipping the bird, on the cellphone, drinking a beer.
Scientists have compared this phenomenon to light anomalies discovered in photographs at haunted sites which are commonly believed to be the manifestation of lingering spirits. It appears that the agony of disuse and the shame of their social devolution causes thugs to emit strong vibes of what has been termed HUNG energy (horrible, uncontrollable negative gravitational energy). Until this discovery, scientists did not know it was capable for a human being to emit energy in this form, particularly not gravitational pulls. What this force does is rearrange the molecular structure of the camera in close range at the moment the trigger is pressed (whether the device is digital or film), creating the image so described.

Mathematicians have developed a formula to determine the force of the thug’s HUNG energy, known as the “Dimwit Formula”:

((d i – m)+w / (x – t))/7.25

Some elegant badassery here.

In this equation, d is the distance between the subject and the camera, m is the cost of the mobile phone which the thug owns (whether or not it is present or in use), t is the size of the thug (weight x height x width), i is the intelligence, or IQ of the thug, X is the day of the month on which the photo was taken, and w is the year the thug was born.

Depending on the strength of the HUNG emission, the thug may be able to alter pictures taken up to 8 feet away, although most are only able to affect photos taken within a four foot radius.

So there you have it Dan-ma-Man. There is not only a scientific reason for this phenomenon, there are also sociological and mathematical explanations as well! Did Ask Ally deliver, or did she deliver? Damned right she did.

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  1. Damn right you did. Science is fun.

    Wuv,
    Dan

  2. Oh my god…. this line is hilarious!
    “Whatever the case, it came to pass that, for the first time in history, young, strong, verile, dumb-as-a-post men were told that they were special.”
    It’s my favourite line in the blurb.

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