The “It’s About Damned Time” Edition

In Advice, Funny, Life, People, question, Social Commentary on November 23, 2007 at 8:30 pm

Well, honestly, it’s about time someone got around to asking me this all important question.It actually almost hurts that no one thought to ask me before. Almost, but then, not. So here comes part two of my brilliant demonstration of reciprocity (in return I fully expect nothing less than absolute love and admiration)…

Definitely-not-Cailen from Antigonish types,

Dear Ally

Wowzers, I just read your “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” edition, and was blown away-ish.[…Edited for posterity…] My question is: how did you manage to become so awesome? I think I’m kinda awesome, but think I could learn from you if you attempted to teach me.



* * * * *

Dear “Not-Cailen”

This wouldn’t be the “not Cailen” who is performing at the Bauer Theatre in Antigonish tomorrow starting at 8pm and costing only $7.00? If it were, that would be pretty nifty, and I’d advise any Ask Ally readers in the “Go-nish area to attend.
Shameless advertisements aside, I truly hope that this question was not posed sarcastically. Because I seriously have much to teach (and you, therefore, much to learn). The true strength of my awesomnity is such that it can never be revealed to mere mortal, however I can, if I deem the cause worthy, allow a ray of pure brilliance to glance upon the eye of the most humble worshiper. Maybe. If you bring cookies.

This Goddess of Grand (theological works currently in production) came from humble beginnings. It saddens me to admit that there are home videos of myself at a young age (though not so young as to warrant an explanation) playing “guess the crayon colour” with my dear Papa. You would think, naturally, that she who would grow to such wit and magnificence would respond with utter contempt and superiority dripping from each infantile syllable. But no, I instead became wrapped in a verbal tussle with my pater familias as to whether the green crayon was green or yellow. When I should have been dismissing the very notion that I be asked such a simple question, I was merely unable to give the correct answer. Humble beginnings? Perhaps I should have said pathetic…

But I exaggerate. I was not so silly as all that. Gullible? Yes. Bow-legged? Yes. Entirely lacking in anything resembling fashion sense? Oh yes. Frequently distracted by my own dreamy musings, to the point where I may or may not have appeared to be just not quite right? Several times yes.

You must understand, though, I was nursing my genius! It is tough to explain to those not gifted what it is to linger between the world inhabited by everyone else (normies), and the world of peace, beauty, dancing colours, and many cookies which I and a privileged few have been offered a glimpse.
If you are not a part of this heritage, it will be difficult to teach you. But with time, patience, and liberal use of the back of my hand and applications with the hose, we may make progress.

There are several rules to being this awesome. Follow them as though they were law. Let me capitalize that: LAW!!!

1 ) Pants are your enemy. Treat them as such.

2 ) Cookies are the most crucial form of sustenance, despite whatever nutritionists say. Cookies provide essential vitamins which are especially important for geniuses. Nutritionists are lying. They are the enemy. Treat them as such.

3 ) People, en mass, are generally not as cool as you. In fact, they suck. Balls. Actual balls. For the most part, this is not their fault, and should be left alone, like baby deer. However, every so often those baby deer get that crazy look in their eye and persist in walking slow in front of you with a group of their annoying friends. And then you are obliged to punch them in the back of the head, to speed things up and remind them of their innate inferiority.

4 ) No one can question your brilliance if you wield the weapons of wit and words. If anyone tries to stop you, hurl words at them like “catastrophic,” “ubiquitous,” “onomatopoeia,” “fraternization,” “troglodyte,” “antidisestablishmentarianism,” or anything that ends in “ism.” These words may seem like simple tools of communication to one who possesses awesome, but to others they do not register on their understanding of language, and therefore turn into tiny little stones (I mean that – actual stones) which you can pelt at them repeatedly until, bruised and beaten, they go away.

5 ) I’ve just remembered: baby deer are the enemy. Treat them as such.

Public Enemy

6 ) Being awesome does not entitle you to do all of those things Chuck Norris can do. Does the generator say “awesome people don’t breathe, the air hides in their lungs”? No. It does not. It refers specifically to Chuck Norris. Don’t try to ape that.

7 ) Awesome people can knit. Not that all knitters are awesome: some of them suck actual balls. But it definitely gives some awesome points if you can knit. And you can keep your head warm. I’m just saying.

8 ) Being awesome does not mean you go out and start fights, or get involved in other people’s fights. It means that you make snide sarcastic comments about stupid, loser people in your head or behind their back. You can even do it to their face if they’re smaller than you and you’re armed with a bat of some sort.

9 ) Chris Columbus (not the explorer) deserves your hatred, your bitter animosity, your immoral vengeance, your morbid, spiteful acts of malice, even (if you cannot work up the passion) your unadulterated apathy. He embodies all that is NOT awesome. He has had one brush with awesome, and that was through Adventures in Babysitting. And that was an accident. Chris should accept your torrents of pure venom.

10 ) The only man who is possibly less awesome than Chris Columbus is P-Mac (not the former Beatle). If you don’t know who P-Mac is, then I am afraid I cannot enlighten you. I fear retribution from his disillusioned followers, for they are many (but I will say that they all are smelly, with excess body hair).

There you are, “Not-Cailen.” Embraces these ideals as your tenet and through them live your life in the way of the awesome, and perhaps you too can become truly awesome.

  1. The “Not-Cailen” of which you speak sounds hilarious, witty, sexy, and dare I say, testosterone incarnate?

    I can say this for sure, I will attend his amazing show on the night in question

  2. […] my window for an hour, Amanda Byrnes, Mel Gibson, Charlotte Church, Slavoj Zizek, Derek Acorah, and baby deer. Honestly, that’s hardly anyone! You think about the fact that there’s 6.5 billion […]

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