Archive for December, 2007|Monthly archive page

The “Optimus Prime” Edition

In Advice, Funny, Life, People, question on December 22, 2007 at 9:05 pm

Kirk, from Ottawa, writes:

I have a question for the great, ubiquitous Ally. Like all good things in life it is a 2 parter…
1) Where do babies come from?
2) Are new babies properly equipped to meet the needs of the modern urban crime environment?
3) Why don’t I understand the 2 part question?

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Dear Kirk,

Ahh, you have some good age-old questions in there. And I am pleased by your use of a four syllable word in my honour: “ubiquitous.” I can think of no other word to describe me better. But moving along from your verbal aptitude…

Babies – always with the babies. I remember, when I was a small child, my mother told me all about it. She gave me some song and dance about how when a man and a woman are in love they give each other a special hug. Then the stork comes and things get all kinky and maybe there’s a little bit of Boyz II Men playing in the background. Then some things might go where they’re really not supposed to but as long as the man’s yoo-hoo-willy makes its way into the woman’s flibbertigibbet at some point or another, the stork will eventually emerge from the mummy’s tummy carrying a baby in a cloth sack and that’s where your baby brother came from. Read the rest of this entry »


The “You Shmooze, You Lose” Edition

In Advice, Funny, Life, People, Social Commentary on December 4, 2007 at 1:40 am

The Incredibly Intelligent Irene from Iowa inquires:

To the fantastically amazing Ms. Ally,

How would one deal with an overconfident classmate in graduate school where egos are part of the game? This same classmate shmoozes with the best of them and profs love him. Plus he’s actually incredibly smart. I’m just as smart but not a kiss-ass!

Intelligent Irene

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My dearest and most highly esteemed Irene,

Ahhhh dear, the perils of the post-graduate pretender! I am, luckily, far untouched from this phenomenon, however rumours have reached me that such fools do exist.

I must admit that I find it difficult to comprehend such behaviour myself. I mean, there is always going to be a certain degree of nerdly excitement involved in academic discussions. The brown noser, on the other hand – also known as kiss-ass, suck-up, apple-polisher, or butt-monkey – displays a constant flow of tongue-in-ass behaviour which annoys fellow students while managing to stay entirely off the radar of most professors. Read the rest of this entry »