The “Optimus Prime” Edition

In Advice, Funny, Life, People, question on December 22, 2007 at 9:05 pm

Kirk, from Ottawa, writes:

I have a question for the great, ubiquitous Ally. Like all good things in life it is a 2 parter…
1) Where do babies come from?
2) Are new babies properly equipped to meet the needs of the modern urban crime environment?
3) Why don’t I understand the 2 part question?

*   *   *   *   *

Dear Kirk,

Ahh, you have some good age-old questions in there. And I am pleased by your use of a four syllable word in my honour: “ubiquitous.” I can think of no other word to describe me better. But moving along from your verbal aptitude…

Babies – always with the babies. I remember, when I was a small child, my mother told me all about it. She gave me some song and dance about how when a man and a woman are in love they give each other a special hug. Then the stork comes and things get all kinky and maybe there’s a little bit of Boyz II Men playing in the background. Then some things might go where they’re really not supposed to but as long as the man’s yoo-hoo-willy makes its way into the woman’s flibbertigibbet at some point or another, the stork will eventually emerge from the mummy’s tummy carrying a baby in a cloth sack and that’s where your baby brother came from.

Now, child that I am, I accepted her story for many years. Naturally this lead to my developing some rather unfortunate misconceptions regarding the anatomy of men and women… and storks.

Eventually, though, I realized that this baby-making legend was a little off, and I decided to find out the truth on my own. I betook myself to the library and spent hours looking through reference books, encyclopaedias, health text books, and graphic novels. I found a catchword – sex – and I looked up everything I could find on this word.

Dick + Jane x (Love + BoyzIIMen) = Baby

I will relate to you what I learned using the story of Dick and Jane.

Meet Dick. Dick has a lady friend. Her name is Jane. Dick and Jane love each other very much. They know this because one time Dick said to Jane “I do believe that I love you very much,” and Jane answered back “Ah! Well, that is nice. I suppose then that I do believe I love you back in very much the same way.”

And so this is how they know.

Because they love each other, Dick and Jane have decided that, as consenting sixteen and a half year-olds, they will enter into sexual intercourse with each other. To set the mood, Dick bought some candles, and also a Boyz II Men CD. He lit them all on fire. Jane liked the atmosphere. “The burning smell of boy band dribble is especially arousing,” she said.

Then they snuggled in bed together without clothes on. Then Optimus Prime showed up and peeked into their window to make sure things were going well. He used his magic dental floss to impregnate Jane since years of dressing as an “emo” has left Dick with a depressingly low sperm count, so he and Jane will never be able to make miniature sized people on their own. Optimus Prime, nature’s most bad-ass fertility god, flies around looking for canoodling couples and then helps them out from the sticky, sterile mess into which the crimes of their youth have gotten them.

Anyway, about 9 months after Jane is impregnated, a doctor wrenches the child out from within her innards, where it leeches on to her and Dick’s life essence and slowly sucks it dry until, at last, they succumb and the parasitic baby goes forth and conquers Paraguay.

I’m outside ur window… making ur babiez.

And that is where babies come from.

Now, it may seem to some that babies are poorly equipped to deal with today’s urban crime environment. However, this is not the case at all. And we owe it all to Optimus Prime.
Ever the insightful Peterbilt truck, Optimus Prime has developed an offer: parents-to-be can select from a variety of built-in crime fighting features in their little bundle of blood-sucking joy:

~ Bullet-Proof Baby: The babe who’s literally tougher than nails. Not only will your baby be safe from all gang-related shootouts,

Baby 2.0: the weaponised infant for a modern world.

but you can use him/her as a shield to protect yourself with absolutely no tragic consequences (finally).

~ Mace-Spraying Baby: Using the defense/offense system of the Spitting Cobra, your baby can now plunge any would-be attackers into uncomfortable blindness at any hint of fear.

~ Cyborg Baby: Part baby, part super-computer! It can outwit any criminal and kick your ass in a wicked round of Parcheesi before it’s three weeks old.

~ Semi-Automatic Baby: Those cute, chubby little baby fingers are useless no longer. Try and kidnap this baby and those teeny-tiny digits will riddle your body with teeny-tiny bullets before you can scratch your head in bewilderment.

~ Zombie Baby: There’s no better safety mechanism for your baby than already being dead. Side effects may include excessive drooling, skin-eating, and stunted mental development.

And finally, Kirk – oh ye of the multisyllabic wonders – the answer to your most challenging question. The solution to that third part of the two part query. The words that you so desperately long to hear to ease your puzzled mind that my dragging it out with these many, many redundant words must be inducing you to shanking a puppy right now.

The reason you are unable to grasp the concept of a two-part question?

… It’s his fault.

  1. Is there going to be a Charmed season 9??
    love ya MWAH!!!

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