The “Cool-Tips are so ’99” Edition

In Advice, Fashion, People, Social Commentary on January 30, 2008 at 9:45 pm

Dearest Knitz (aka Ally),

I have an Ask Ally question for you: what are these mysterious “guidos” I’ve heard so little about, and what is it that seems to attract women to them so?

Your Nemesis,

*   *   *   *   *

Aha, my old arch nemesis…. How are you, arch nemesis? Besides evil incarnate!!

Well, aside from that tiny little wall of hatred which divides us, I see no real reason why I shouldn’t provide at least some sort of answer to your pathetic excuse for a question.

First off, I would like to establish the nature of the term ‘guido’ as I will discuss it. Given the context in which you have used the word, I assume you do not mean the ethnic slur referring generally to people of Italian heritage. Rather, I believe you mean those people whose personal style is often referred to by the term ‘guido’, which is based on the stereotypes associated with the aforementioned heritage.

It is important, during this Ask Ally, to remember that this term is still used as an ethnic slur, but that is not how I intend to consider it. Also please remember that the non-ethnic-type-slur which I will be focusing on is still based very much on stereotypes. And what is a stereotype, children? “A too-simple and therefore distorted image of a group”. Good boys and girls! Now we can continue.

In that vein, then, a ‘guido’ can be applied to a person whose style would fit the following description:

A) Typically male of lower class designation
B) Possessing of and wearing more gold jewelery than Mr. T
C) Grammar and syntax less than flawless, to be polite.
C, pt 2) Garb includes staple sweat-stained wifebeater, tight t-shirts, tracksuits, regular suits, shiny shoes, and leather jackets (not all at once… usually)
D) Styled up hair – all friends with same haircut (note: traditional hair cut involved slicked back style or pompadour; new haircut preferred spiked ala b4-4)
6) Quote, ‘Uncultured’, end quote.
F) Darker spray-on tan than all of b4-4 put together.
G) Overly macho and horny
H) Offensive language
I) Grunting while getting one’s “swell” on at the gym (note homo-eroticism)
J) Penchant for steroids, muscle milk, and power bars
K) See: b4-4


Actually, it is handy that this band exists, for they perfectly illustrate my point. If you don’t know of them, allow me to enlighten you (you’ll probably wish I didn’t). b4-4 are a group of three lads who apparently hail from Toronto, Canada. Despite this tragedy, I still stand by the true genius of our other musical talents such as Joni Mitchell, Moxy Fruvous, k-Os, Feist, the Bare Naked Ladies, and the Moffatts (interesting tidbit: I truly believe that the Moffatts do not exist, and that the whole band consists of one Moffatt who was digitally quadrupled. True story).

However, I should proceed. b4-4 consist of twins Ryan and Dan Kowarsky, and Ohad Einbinder. Look at those last names – do they appear to be of Italian ancestry? Not so much. And yet, the previous description sticks pretty well, my knowing nothing of their social upbringing or jewelery collection notwithstanding.

Now, you may glance at this picture and raise the very understandable question, “But Ally, you promised me more gold chains than Mr. T, and I see little bling-bling in this picture!” True, my sworn enemy, true. But please do keep in mind that few people fulfill all expectations perfectly (other than myself, of course), and the lads of b4-4 excel in other categories. The lack of culture, and a grammar/vocab display that less than thrills, for instance.

Take as proof this clip from one of their (slash their only) hit songs:

“I wanna know exactly what to do, so that
You’ll never get me off of your mind
Communicate and I’ll go under cover,
Gonna make you come tonight
(Over to my house)

If you get down on me
I’ll get down on you
I will do anything that you want me to
It’s a game of give and take
To make it through
So if you get down on me
I’ll get down on you tonight”

Actually, I take back my slanderous remarks. On closer inspection, these lyrics reveal that the boys of b4-4 possess a depth and maturity which is not often found in the young men of today.

Allow me now to take a moment to pay homage to Scott Feschuk:
“Sarcasm, it’s not just for cynics anymore!”
(Although sometimes I am not entirely sure I was joking about b4-4 having more depth and maturity than most young men today)

Moving away from these tangerine fellows and their frosted-flake hair, I feel that it is important to point out to my nemesis that ‘guido’ is still a hurtful term for many people. If your intent in posing this question was to egg the word ‘guido’ into more common use, then I would ask you to hold back.

I would ask you all to refrain from calling anyone around you hurtful names, and resort instead to using hugs and cinnamon hearts to solve all disputes, but I am pretty sure that I know all of my 46 readers personally, and you’re all cruel, black-hearted bastards who’ll kick a baby when it’s down, so I recognize the futility.

The second part of your question has an easy answer… what attracts women to ‘guidos’? Kibz, look at the above picture. Is that not answer enough for you? Seriously.

And as for you, “Kibz”, if that is your real name, I am calling you out. Your hatchet-faced minions and cockamamie schemes are a menace to society, and more importantly, myself. This ends now! And by now I mean tomorrow, on the battlefield… with pointed sticks.

Look out! He’s got a banana!

… and a banana.


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