askally

A “Platyputastic” Edition

In Beauty, Fashion, Social Commentary on February 24, 2008 at 5:11 pm

Before you start: I am an English student. Therefore, even if Platyputastic wasn’t previously a word, my using it now has made it a word. I have that power. So don’t go with the complaints or the questions. I’ll even define it for you:

Platyputastic (pron. Platt-ee-put-ass-tick): Something what is fantastic and what also involves Platypi.

Platypi make great friends

And so, we can now get to the question!
Rebecca, from Awesometown, writes:

DEAR ALLY THE GREAT
Why are platypi so shy? I know you love them so, enough to know the grammatical correctness of the species. So you must know the answer intrinsically within your soul.

Sincerely, your pal,
Rebecca of Awesometown

*   *   *   *   *

Dear Rebecca,

The shyness of the platypus is of course one of life’s great mysteries – and fortunately for you, one of the many which I have taken it upon myself to solve.

The answer that I found is a heartbreaking story of broken hearts and trampled spirits. You see, it all started many years ago, when the now shy and withdrawn platypi were The Proud and Noble Ancient Species that are the Duck-billed Platypi!

It turns out that animals are as obsessed with image as we ourselves are. You don’t believe me?

Well, I am afraid that “proof” is hard to come by, as it generally is when you’re dealing with such a new and entirely accurate law of nature like that which I have discovered, so you’re just going to have to trust in me because I am Ally and, as I have said before, if you wanted facts, you’d have gone to Wikipedia.

It’s true, though. Ever feel unconsciously taunted about the way you look every time you open a magazine? The same is true for the animal world. There are the beauties – the sleek beauty of the felines, the slender grace of the deer, the majesty and handsome demeanor of the horse, the delicate loveliness of the swan, the raw sexual power of the bear family, and so on.

Then of course there are the cute animals, the funny animals, the weird-but-in-a-good-way animals. There are also the outsiders who really and truly just don’t care what people think, however weird looking or downright ugly they may be (sloths, moles, iguanas, etc.)

However, there are also those animals who really just don’t fit in, and whose delicate and sensitive natures simply won’t let them forget it. In these we have the penguins, the lemurs, the giraffes, the baboons, the warthogs, and, of course, the platypi.
Unfortunately, in addition to this cultural anxiety which platypi feel living in an image-obsessed animal kingdom, the platypi made the awful mistake of running afoul of one Mr. C. Linnaeus, and they have never lived it down.

Circa somewhere in approximately the nineteenth-century Mr Linnaeus was truly a God lording over the animal kingdom. Have you ever heard that naming an object gives a person power over it? Well, Linnaeus was like a second Adam in the Garden of Eden, only instead of the Garden of Eden, he was living in Sweden… or Switzerland. And instead of ‘naming’ all of the life on this planet, he re-named it, with complex multi-syllabic latinate professional sounding names and classifications.

You might think that since the Platypi look like such a funny, gentle, goofy, none-so-bright species, that they are each of those things.

Well you would be dead wrong. Platypi are damned smart.

Owls get this reputation for being wise, but the owls call up the platypi when they’re faced with a real tough question.
Dolphins get credit for being so smart, but dolphins ask the platypi to correct their math homework.

Furthermore, platypi are the deep thinkers of the animal kingdom. This means they’re often the rebels.

They saw what Linnaeus was doing, and they realized the huge amount of power that this could give him. And so the platypi decided that they would rouse the animal kingdom against Linnaeus, and stop his reign of terror. They held rallies, and protests, such as mankind was only capable of dreaming about until the 1960’s. They committed acts of sabotage, and ran leaflet campaigns, and printed philosophical tracts about the potential threat that Linnaeus posed to the existence of the entire animal society. They composed political songs and brilliant manifestos, and wonderfully concise slogans.

Back before their spiritual depantsing, platypi were hard core.

So what happened?

Well, despite their best efforts, the platypi were too late. Linnaeus had already named and classified so much of the animal (and the nearby plant) kingdom, that his power was such as one man has not held before nor will ever hold again (but which a certain really awesome and legendary woman, namely myself, has easily surpassed). He squashed the platypi’s campaign, and when they turned underground, he put a grenade at every entrance and pulled the pin.

The platypi were left weak, and depleted. Worst of all, they still had to face their naming.

Do you know what Linnaeus had initially intended to name the platypus? Before their resistance, he read of their intelligence and awesomeness, and he had decided to name them Epicawesumnus Legendarius Billduckius, or else the Duck-Billed Epicallyawesome. However, afterwards, he shamed them by naming them the Duck-Billed Platypus (platypus being latin for “don’t mess with me, I’ll beat you down”).

This naming, as well as being mocked by everyone around them simply because they did not fit into a particular standard of beauty, has left the once proud, extroverted, and jubilant platypi a broken shell of their former glorious species. It truly hurts the soul to think of it, no?

However, it is this very painful emotional complex – and the severe degree of social awkwardness that results from it – which makes the platypi so very, very, very shy

Yeah, I just ended with a rhyme.

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  1. Well it’s fitting you ended with a rhyme because that’s how I started (the Q, I mean).
    I’m so glad I understand the challenges of the platypi world now. If I had known I would have taken the platypi some intelligent materials such as spectacle and rubiks cubes.
    Oh well.

    Anyway, excellent work Ally! Also, when I hovered my mouse over the left platypi in the picture I saw the words OPTIMUS PRIME and then when I did it over the right one I saw BLING BLING. Those platypi sure know how to name their children!

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