askally

Spring Break? More Like Spring GREAT!

In Life, People, Travel on February 29, 2008 at 12:38 am

Since many of my North American followers are, either at this very moment or in the weeks with precede/follow this, enjoying their Spring Breaks (less joyfully known as ‘Reading Weeks’), I thought that I would share with you the memory of my favourite, and coincidentally most epic, Spring Break.

The year was 2007, the month: February. I can remember it as if it were only last year…

*   *   *   *   *

Keep in mind; all of these stories are true. I know that some of them may seem a little farfetched, but place your trust in me, friends. I would never lead you astray. Not a lie has ever passed my lips, nor shall I start a legacy of falsehood today. So set your eyebrows to stunned, for you won’t believe your eyeballs when they communicate to your brain all of the magnificent things that happened to me over that long ago Spring Break…

I purchased a box of 64 Crayola crayons because they smelled yummy.

As a good honours student, I of course did a lot of “work” on my “thesis,” by which I mean I didn’t want to work, so I just banged on the drums all day.

I auditioned for America’s Next Top Model. Even though I am not American, I received notice from Tyra the next day that she was willing to offer me the title of America’s Next Top Model without asking me to compete. I felt that this would be unfair to the other ladies, and so I decided not to enter the world of modeling. In anguish, Ralph Lauren is said to have attempted suicide. My apologies to all involved.

Ever the culinary adventurer, I sampled delicacies from all over the world: “Lasagne,” from Italy; “Tacos,” from Mexico; “Pretzels,” from Bavaria; and finally, “Chicken Wings,” from Buffalo.

Those readers who are not fortunate enough to be acquainted with me personally might be surprised to know that I have a lovely singing voice. And so, in a drunken stupor, I chose to grace the local watering hole one Wednesday evening for Karaoke Night. The crowd was treated to a duet rendition of Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit.” I was pleasantly surprised at the standing ovation which followed, and would like to thank whoever threw their panties at me, for they are of a lovely colour: I had them framed and hung on my wall.

I fought the law. And the law won.

When I felt a little bit of cabin fever coming on, I decided to go on a safari adventure. I caught a bear.

My capture of the fearsome and mighty brown bear…

On Friday night, as Nova Scotia was gripped by a freak snowstorm, I was alerted to the cries of several small children who were trapped in an abandoned school bus. With the help of my St. Bernard, and Lassie, and the Littlest Hobo, I helped them all reach safety. Unfortunately, due to old rivalries, Lassie and the Littlest Hobo got into a violent fight. The Littlest Hobo won – Lassie was given a respectful burial.

I raised the patronage of the Tall and Small café when I demonstrated my “mad knitting skillz” for their customers one Tuesday afternoon.

I was offered the Nobel Peace Prize for my lifelong work rehabilitating computer programmers and technicians, and teaching them to socialize with normal folk. I declined the award.

I single-handedly delivered a baby. For this, I was awarded the key to all of Canada, which was made of chocolate. I ate it.

FACT: I SOLVED THE CARAMILK MYSTERY.

I knit a safety net for the earth. NASA is going to stretch it around the Ozone layer. It will not only end global warming, but it will also protect us from those pesky asteroids which filmmakers keep insinuating will end all life on earth if not for Bruce Willis.

I found out where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. She’s in Detroit, living under the alias “Shasta Delacroix,” and making a living as a Ricky Martin impersonator (more on this later).

There’s a story here. It will be told.

I caused the lunar eclipse that occurred on Saturday, March 3rd at 5:30 in the evening. I mooned the moon, and it retaliated. Our longstanding feud continues.

I saw Elvis sneaking around in my backyard. I called up my old crony, John Edwards, and together we helped Elvis to cross over. It was a magical moment.

I gave my heart to George Stroumboulopoulos after catching a glimpse of him on the Hour while the movie I was watching – “The Prince and I,” a brilliant piece of cinematic genius – was on commercial. I called him up, and using my feminine wiles and sharp wit, I convinced him to change his name to Jorje Strombo. We got hitched, and together we are in the process of populating the nation with our army of intelligent, beautiful, politically aware babies. It is for the good of the country.

FACT: I cured the common cold.

I invented a new kind of dance. It’s called the Porpoise Twist. It involved dislocating your elbow and twirling it around in a circle, while bopping side to side with the off-beat of the tune to which you’re listening. I suggest “Larger than Life,” by the Backstreet Boys, as it is the song to which the dance was originally conceived.

I personally won the Scotties’ Tournament of Hearts, but I deferred to my worthy opponent, Kelly Scott and Team Canada.

I purchased labels at the Dollar Store and, using my crayons, I labelled every item in my house. Including my disgruntled roommate.

After my long and exciting Spring Break was over, and it was time to return to my studies, I sat down and took a moment to record all that had happened to me (in crayon and paper, that most lasting of mediums). I didn’t want to forget a thing, and I certainly wanted to be able to shove my exciting vacation in the faces of those I love.

A lasting record for generations to come…

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  1. I don’t know if I am more impressed by the caramilk secret or Carmen Diego more. Both secrets I have longed to know.

  2. what a great week. let’s do it again…

    WOO WOO WEE WOO

  3. I miss you! These crazy things never happen without you around. I think you should write an Ask Ally about all of the crazy snow day adventures we had. Including snowball fights, fighting our way through a blizzard to see a drag show, and an entire day dedicated to Sex in the City. Oh, and runaway panties (although that was more wind… not snow).

  4. That’s some knitting project….I don’t even have the patience for an afghan.

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