The “Holy Matrimony” Edition

In Advice, Life, People, question, Relationships, Social Commentary on July 1, 2008 at 4:30 pm

One Mr Kiby Bibz, from Canadia, writes,

Dearest Just-Short-of-Omniscient Ally,

I have been questing for many a winter to find an answer to this most crucial of questions, with a full bucket of failure to show for it. I ask you, then, in my time of need to bring wisdom and insight, such as you are wont to do, and throw it unceremoniously at my question, resulting in the mysterious pink goo of answer stuff.

So, dear Ally, where does the future of relationships and unions lie?

Your number two fan (hilarious mental image),

*   *   *   *   *

My dearest Mr Bibz,

Please excuse me for a moment, won’t you? There is a tiny caterpillar on my windowsill that I must take care of. There – be free you little creepy-crawly, and get the hell out of my ivy plant.

Moving along, your question intrigues me greatly, mainly because of its somewhat visceral description of the question-answer process. However, it also drove me to ponder the nature of relationships at great length.

In a world where the only thing more powerful than the conservative drive to protect the sanctity of (boring, heteronormative, sexless) monogamous marriage is the momentum behind a growing resistance to it, just where are we heading? The traditional definitions of marriage are being broken apart, even – Lord save us all – in white, middle-class North America! It’s becoming increasingly obvious that same-sex marriage is an unstoppable force that, if all them hippies get their way, might soon be legislated throughout the Western world entirely.
If that weren’t enough, even heterosexual couples are tampering with the time-honoured practices: uppity militant feminists are objecting to their rightful place as commodities, and all of those damned worthless atheists are denying the crucial role of the Almighty God in marriage ceremonies.

Now, I spent many a year labouring against this wave, because – and if you’ve been reading this blog with any frequency, you may have picked up on this – I stand for nothing if not ridiculously oppressive and inexorable traditions. But lately I think I’ve figured out a way to appease all parties while still allowing for an illusion of the desired normalcy.

The future of love lies in the power of combined naming: combanaming (pr. COMM-bah-nay-ming)

Instead of getting married, people will get combamated (pr. COMM-bah-may-ted). No more extravagant weddings, there will now be super-extravagant combanamation (pr. comm-bah-nah-MAY-shun) ceremonies. Why the opulence? Because you’ll love each other just that much more once you’ve combanamed (pr. COMM-ba… whatever, you get it).

Just think of it: in about – hmm, let me think here – eleven and a half weeks (give or take), everyone that matters could be a part of their very own Bennifer, or in the case of the now-divorced Britney and K-Fed, Chlamydorrhea. Young men could be their very own equivalent to the ‘Br’ in ‘Brangelina’! It brings a tear to the eye at the very thought.

Allow me to outline the benefits:

1) Totally gender neutral – any name can be used (though of course, all names will have to be strictly gender-appropriate according to the existing binaries)

2) Allows for pairings of any sexual dynamic (except that we’ll only hype up the straight examples)

3) Allows for greater equality within the union (just look at ‘Tomkat’: they each have three words in the combaname. That’s total equality right there!)

4) Takes care of that pesky last name issue (no more little Johnny triple-hypen-surnames running about)

5) … I can’t think of a fifth one, but if I could, it would probably be related to those whiny atheists, and it would be brilliant.

Anyway, it’s actually a wonderful solution. Foolproof, even. No more complaints about mail addressed to Mrs. “My Husband’s Last Name”, or so on.

So, Kiby – can I call you Kibois? That’s French for Woods of the Kib – go out and find your self a Stella (and it had better be a Stella, not a fella), and you can ruin yourself in a spectacular combanamation ceremony where, in front of God and a church full of witnesses, you will quite literally bond with your partner to become Mr and Mrs Kibella.


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