askally

Ask Ally’s Open Letter to the State of Minnesota

In Funny, Life, question on July 7, 2008 at 2:01 am

Dear Minnesota,

In grade 11 – when I was still an impressionable young thing – I was introduced the sheer glory that is the major motion picture Drop Dead Gorgeous.

I don’t think I need to say that my heart was nearly scorched by the fire that blazed up within its cockles from the moment I first heard the line “Iris, you taped over it with your shows”. Do you know, State of Minnesota, why such an unassuming – yet unctuous – utterance might have inspired me so?

It was you.

Or more specifically, your accent. Even now as I type the word ‘Minnesota’, the pronunciation of an elongated vowel echoes in my ears. My tongue twitches with the thought of the inflections, the phrases, the nature of the Minnesotan accent. Such a sultry symphony. It’s almost as if, independent of my brain or any social restrictions, it longs to shape my words into that masterpiece – that magnum opus – of verbal discourse. My hard palette is all a quiver with the anticipation- !

But, I must remain silent.

Alas! Though my whole body aches for such satisfaction, I cannot have it. I refuse to desecrate the sacred Minnesotan accent with my outsider’s tongue; I love it more than anything, but just enough to know where to draw the line.

And so, in my desperation, I turn to you. You are my golden false idol, and my only hope.

Would you consent to bestow upon me the title of an honourary Minnesotan citizen, so that I may release my mouth-parts from this heart-breaking bondage?

If Kirstie Alley taught me anything, it’s that Minnesotans are kind, loving, rational people who will – I hope – be swayed by my plea for linguistic freedom.

I am asking, Minnesota, for freedom of speech in its most literal sense. Will you deny me that?

Your most devoted Can-ah-dian wannabe,

Ally

PS – If it helps, I am fully prepared to hate Wisconsin.

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  1. i love st. paul’s pork products so much, i work here now!

  2. Oh you betcha, Iris!

  3. That’s because you’re an Amer-I-Can!

    Dear Ally,

    You need to write a new post. I know this because Jorje Knows this, and has told me. Jorje knows this because Ally knows this.

    It also occurs to me that according to your tags, you write about babies and Stroumboulopoulos in equal proportion. My women’s intuition says this is because he secretly wants your babies inside of him.

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