The “Clowning Around” Edition

In Advice, Funny, Life, People, question, Social Commentary on July 29, 2008 at 6:24 pm

Trish, from London (ON), writes:

Dear Ally,

Clowns are creepy. Devastatingly creepy. As devastatingly creepy as you are devastatingly gorgeous. Why, then, do people insist on using them as a form of children’s entertainment? It seems horribly inappropriate!


* * * * *

My Dear Trish

It is a scientific fact that many, many people have developed deep-seated phobias about clowns (known as coulrophobia), usually from prolonged exposure to them while still a child. One might think, therefore, that given the large percentage of the adult population who are themselves petrified of clowns that the number of children forced to endure clown-interaction would eventually decline, as parents everywhere became aware of the extensive psychological trauma that they were unknowingly inflicting on little Timmy.

But, strangely, it isn’t, it hasn’t, and it won’t be.

And the ‘why’ goes back to this notion that the parents are ‘unknowingly’ setting this terror to plague the nightmares of their innocent progeny. Make no mistake: your parents were by no means unaware of the horrors in store for you when they booked Gaf-Gaf the Laughing Clown for you on your fourth birthday party. And they certainly were not just brushing off your ‘silly kiddy fears’ when they asked him to return again for the next 7 consecutive birthdays, only stopping when you finally wailed that you hated birthday parties, cake made you nauseous, and you never wanted presents ever again.
No, your parents knew what you were in for. Don’t blame them. It’s not their fault – to be fair, they were probably sitting in the kitchen sweating, twitching, and crying just like you during the whole thing. But they didn’t have a choice.

You see, every parent in the entire world is under the thumb of what criminal investigators refer to as the Organized Crime Clowning Underworld, or OCCU. The OCCU task force, which addresses this problem specifically, is a totally secret, “non-existent” international collective *wink wink, nudge nudge* based out of a warehouse located at 4223 Gweldimere St in Little Rock, Arizona. Their members have to be trained beyond even the Navy Seals, for their enemy, you see, is much more fearsome and bloodthirsty. (Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned their secret location…)

For the most part, the OCCU, or Clown Mafia, consists of several rival factions who control different areas, just like any other organized crime organization. Some of the best known of these are the Rodeo Boys of the American West, the Pochinko Gang up in Canadia (who could ever forget the horrible regime of Mump and Smoot, eh?), and the fearsome Commedia family, which nearly controls the European Clowning racket in its entirety. I say nearly, however, because there is one other major clowning faction that knows no boundaries. Its insidious fingers stretch across the globe, and it is the strong belief of the OCCU task force that despite the warring families, it is in fact this group that controls the whole of the OCCU: the Circus Faction.

The Circus Faction is, strangely enough, often the most visible branch of Organized Clowning. This does not mean that they are often caught, however. The power of the Circus Clowns is such that they can terrorize mass groups of people at events and gatherings all across the world without fear of being arrested for their hideous torture. Those who lead the Circus Clowns – what they call the ‘White Faces’ – feel no need to hide themselves inside gargantuan gated mansions of marble and turf like other mob bosses. No, they are out there for every ‘performance’, ensuring that their regime of evil goes according to plan. Every other clown in the faction is sorted – in a very Potter-like fashion – into either an Auguste or a Character, and it is in this triumvirate of terror that controls the world.

You’ve also got to watch out for the mimes. Mimes have always been adamant that they are not clowns, and have nothing in common with them. Naturally, this is a thinly veiled attempt to blind us all to the fact that mimes are in fact working for the OCCU. They are the OCCU foot soldiers, performing all of the dirty work from espionage (the uncanny silence comes in handy here) to any muscular intimidation (piss off the clowns and you’ll find yourself tied up with invisible ropes to an invisible chair locked inside an invisible room that is only accessible by invisible ladders, which the mimes climb up when they come in to burn your heels).

Of course, one might ask why the parents of the world, or even governmental forces, have not united against this common enemy. Well, if you’re interested in fighting the OCCU (good luck and nice knowing you), you can always try and join the task force, but somehow I suspect that my little slip of the tongue may mean that they’re all busy at the moment, cooling their heels in their little invisible boxes, and awaiting their fate at the hands of the clowns.
Still; why, you’ll no doubt ask me, is the OCCU task force – an NGO which acted under conditions of total secrecy until I revealed their existence to the world with this blog post – the only ones fighting this scourge?

The answer is that the OCCU are no ordinary mafia racket. They don’t settle for money, they work to gain something much more precious: power. The OCCU never get paid more than the minimum daily wage, and yet they control the world.
Long ago, clowns were simply people who tried to make the world a happier place – while making a little bit of money – by making people laugh. They tried hard, hurting themselves and humiliating themselves to the extreme, but they were largely unsuccessful. People didn’t laugh, they screamed. And it drove the clowns mad.

However, one clown happened also to be a brilliant chemist, and he changed the face of clowning forever. Working from the back of a nineteenth-century, he managed to isolate the cause of people’s coulrophobia: he called it ‘clownuminum’. But instead of using this discovery to block the emissions of clownuminum, thus ensuring laughter from all audience members, the clowns’ collective madness drove them to reproduce it as a gas. They could now ensure that any person who got in their way became totally and utterly incapacitated by an irrational and exaggerated fear of clowns (them). This is still largely how they maintain control today. If ever a parent resists a clown, it means that their fear is waning or was never present, and so out comes a little bottle of clownuminum spray.

This chemical inducement has been helped along by their current high-connections. Representations of clowns in popular culture have been strategically developed to ensure predisposition to coulrophobia (think of Stephen King’s IT), and the best musical geniuses have been used to discern exactly what the creepiest music could possibly be, and then to implement this discovery into the theme music for the Circus Faction.

Oh yes, the OCCU has connections all the way beyond the toppest of tops. Think of clown cars. Those little mini cars – which are passed off as an innocent attempt to make people laugh at how many funnily dressed little painted men have been stuffed into a small space likely reeking of ball sweat – are actually marvels of the scientific world. Think Doctor Who-esque technology: they’re bigger on the inside. It’s literally spaceman science, and the clowns are able to use it to great effect. Physics breakthrough + harmless looking psychedelic VW Beetle + army of clowns = a Trojan horse of pure terror placed right in the midst of hundreds, perhaps thousands of people who have been exposed to clownuminum, making them immobile with fear when faced with a clown.

This kind of technological breakthrough means that the OCCU has got its finger on the very best scientists in the world – better even than those employed by the American military. And that, my friends, is more frightening than an overdose of clownuminum.

  1. “…the clowns madness…”

    I’ll put it down to pure terror at speaking out against such a powerful organization. You’re a damned hero, Ally, but also a damned fool.

    Just luckily not the -clown- kind of fool… Unless…

  2. Fixed!

    And for the record, it was terror, but I’d like to point out that in my terror I made only one mistake (that we’ve found yet) *and* I invented words.

    I am not a clown. I was a clown, but no longer.

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