askally

An Ask Ally Ailment

In Funny, Life on September 4, 2008 at 8:06 pm

Hello all.

I apologise for the lack of recent activity, but I am slowly but surely moving to the big city this week (which one? guess), and therefore have been engaging in active warfare with my own body.

You know, the kind where I force my body to lift 3 x 30-ish lb bags up five flights of stairs and along several blocks every few days, and in return my body… um… stops working properly.

While at first I responded with an acute mental meltdown, I have since come to find these symptoms comical (I think it’s the madness talking). For example…

Random Quakes: it’s like my body is frigging California or Japan or some such! Every time I try and use my muscles, they respond with uncontrollable tremors, frequently causing me to drop whatever I am holding and/or spill boiling hot tea all down my front! Hilarious!

Dizziness: while getting my hair cut, I nearly passed out face-first into pointy scissors! It was awesome. Also, I am pretty sure that my vertigo lead to some head-bobbing which the stylist was unprepared for, and so it’s likely that I have some layers at the back which make me look like a 4 year-old’s Barbie doll! SO funny, right?

Back, Shoulder, Arm, and Neck Pain: I have had an itch on my back for the past two days, but my arms hurt from carrying heavy things, so I keep having to rub myself against one of the many boxes around our flat! Also, sitting down hurts so much that my eyes water involuntarily! Off the hook BRILLIANT!

Total Disassociation from my Body: It’s like I am a parasite infecting my body, and my body has just realized this, and has decided to forcibly eject me from its fleshy casing. Seriously. I mean, I am discussing all of these ailments here and now, but to be honest, the only way I am not passed out groaning on the bathroom floor (anymore) is because I am now only dimly aware of this pain, as if someone else has informed me of it, and I am not actually experiencing it first hand. Like I am watching someone else go through this, and going, man, that would hurt. Sympathy pains, for my self. Woo! Worth a chuckle!

Nausea: I just vomited!! Ahhh hahahaha what a f*cking LAUGH!

My sides, they hurt… along with the rest of me! Tee hee – ow!

These symptoms have been at their worst today, I think because I carried a 34lb box on the 15 minute walk into town, and then wandered about town with it for another 10 minutes or so after work. This may not sound like much to some of you, but keep in mind: I am not in shape. Like, at all. I don’t “lift” things, or “exercise”. I walk around a lot, and clean a lot, and that’s about it. So, for me, having only the day before hoisted 90+ lbs of my own shit between cities and up 5 flights of stairs, and then carried a bookshelf up four flights of stairs, this is pretty much the single most painful experience of the last 12 months.

And then I vomited, several times. If you know me, you know this: vomiting is the devil. I know it sucks generally, but as anyone who has seen me hungover can attest to, I will literally turn green and pass out from the toxins in my body rather than allow my stomach to expel them according to its want.

I think I have vomophobia, or something. Fear of the vom. Anyway, for me to be sick is, also, a big deal.

I am hurting right now, and just wanted to share the ordeal to the delight of my readers while waiting for my sheets to dry so I can pack them.

Cheers!

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  1. you puked! dude that’s weird!

    hope you are feeling better!

  2. I send you what energy I can and hope you are able to rest up a small bit soon.

  3. This comment is quite late – so I hope you are completely back to normal by now and feeling much better!

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