Archive for December, 2009|Monthly archive page

An “Un-beer-able” Edition

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Hello friends! I thought it only appropriate to answer this question, given the similar nature of the previous question regarding bears:

Dear Ally (the magnanimous)

Which beer is best?

~Emily, from Ottawa

* * *

My dearest Emily,

Ah beer. The sweet, delicious nectar of various rotten grains. Liquefied bread. That heady combination of nausea and testosterone that drives me crazy. Mmm.

Seriously, though, I love beer. It’s some good fun. And though I’m certainly no where near qualified enough to pass judgement on which beer ever made could be considered best, I can certainly tell you which of the beers I have drank often enough to remember their names (strange foreign beers with elephants on the bottle are thus excluded) is best. But what shall I base this decision on? Taste? Texture? Colour? Price? Availability? Pretty labels? Advertising campaigns? The force of the hangover? Puke-o-meter? No.

You see, Emily from Ottawa, when I think of beer, I think of beauty queens. I think it is because I tend to associate beer with girls I see going out on a Saturday night wearing more make-up than a drag queen, larger eyelashes than a Muppet, bigger hair than an Amy Winehouse, and less fabric than the Veterinarian Barbie I had when I was four. And, naturally, I associate beauty queens with more make-up than a drag queen, larger eyelashes than a Muppet, bigger hair than Amy Winehouse, and less clothing than good ol’ VetBarbie. So, through a logical mental association, in my mind BEER + BEAUTY QUEENS = LOVE 4 EVA.

And so, using much the same method of judgement by which I so recently decided which bear was best, I shall now endeavour to choose that beer which will from this day carry the distinction of being…

** Miss Beer-ly a Beauty 2009! **

*Gasp!* Shock! Awe! Originality! I know, I know. You can all praise my genius later, though. Now it is time to get down to business and introduce our fantastic contestants: Read the rest of this entry »