An “Un-beer-able” Edition

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Hello friends! I thought it only appropriate to answer this question, given the similar nature of the previous question regarding bears:

Dear Ally (the magnanimous)

Which beer is best?

~Emily, from Ottawa

* * *

My dearest Emily,

Ah beer. The sweet, delicious nectar of various rotten grains. Liquefied bread. That heady combination of nausea and testosterone that drives me crazy. Mmm.

Seriously, though, I love beer. It’s some good fun. And though I’m certainly no where near qualified enough to pass judgement on which beer ever made could be considered best, I can certainly tell you which of the beers I have drank often enough to remember their names (strange foreign beers with elephants on the bottle are thus excluded) is best. But what shall I base this decision on? Taste? Texture? Colour? Price? Availability? Pretty labels? Advertising campaigns? The force of the hangover? Puke-o-meter? No.

You see, Emily from Ottawa, when I think of beer, I think of beauty queens. I think it is because I tend to associate beer with girls I see going out on a Saturday night wearing more make-up than a drag queen, larger eyelashes than a Muppet, bigger hair than an Amy Winehouse, and less fabric than the Veterinarian Barbie I had when I was four. And, naturally, I associate beauty queens with more make-up than a drag queen, larger eyelashes than a Muppet, bigger hair than Amy Winehouse, and less clothing than good ol’ VetBarbie. So, through a logical mental association, in my mind BEER + BEAUTY QUEENS = LOVE 4 EVA.

And so, using much the same method of judgement by which I so recently decided which bear was best, I shall now endeavour to choose that beer which will from this day carry the distinction of being…

** Miss Beer-ly a Beauty 2009! **

*Gasp!* Shock! Awe! Originality! I know, I know. You can all praise my genius later, though. Now it is time to get down to business and introduce our fantastic contestants:

The Sensitive Stud: Molson Canadian

He’s got a bold look going on there: the Canadian Maple Leaf seems to have really pulled some weight with the judges. And his puppy-cuddling ad campaign emphasises his sensitivity, which is bound to go down a treat with the lady-drinkers. But what’s this? Crude label replacements? Oh dear – in an attempt to garner favour with the masculine audience, Molson seems to have simply created an image of hypocrisy! And I’m just being notified right now that the whole thing is a sham – Molson Canadian has, in fact, been bought out by an American company! Oh no, that’s certainly going to bruise his chances.

The Cool Cowboy: Coors Light

The Coors Candidate seems to have pulled out all of the stops here in what seems to be a desperate bid to rack up a few more points than his competitors. We’ve got mostly-nekkid ladehs, cooler boxes, box cowboy hats, magic labels, and novelty bottles. In fact, there doesn’t seem to be any aspect of this candidate that isn’t garish or overly flashy. This seems to have suggested to the judges a kind of pathetic misdirection tactic, possibly indicating that the beer itself might taste somewhat like carbonated rat piss. It just doesn’t look good for Coors Light!

A Bit of Class in Your Glass: Steamwhistle Pilsner

The judges are definitely noticing a different theme with this next candidate, the Steamwhistle Pilsner. The ad campaign seems to be harkening back to simpler times, and the label itself suggests motion, energy, and the excitation that comes when the whistle blew at the end of a long day’s work. The solid, classy together-ness of this candidate could spell some good things; I’m willing to bet that he’s curried some favour with the judges with his simplicity and genuine character.

The Strength of Tradition: Alexander Keith’s IPA

Straight off the Keith’s candidate is working hard to bring out his best side: his history and patriotism. His ad campaign emphasises simplicity, underlined by truth: “Brewed only in Nova Scotia. Since 1820”. That’s definitely going to go over well with our judges! The wooden barrel highlights the image of tradition furter, whilst the bottle itself evokes the feeling of warmth with its caramel tones. Keith’s is certainly doing his best to create in the judge’s minds the image of a beer they could come home to, and I think there’s a strong chance that it’s working.

Lacklustre Yet Diverse: The Lakeport Series

A bit of a plain Jane in the label and packaging department, the Lakeport candidate is certainly doing a good job of making up for it with variety. Pilsner, Light, and Honey Lager – it’s definitely a beer for all sorts, and that kind of embrace of diversity might be enough to make up for its rather dull appearance. There’s also an emphasis on generosity – 950ml cans and stacked cases – that could help to recover some points as well. Of course, this beer is brewed in the judges’ hometown: will the temptation to play favourites prove too strong? We shall see…

The Mischievous Manly Man: Moosehead Canadian Lager

Well, there’s certainly a theme running throughout the Moosehead candidate’s presentation as well, and there can be no doubt to whom they’ve chosen to direct their marketing: a giant decapitated moose head can only be intended to draw in male drinkers… or that small demographic of women who are interested in taxidermy. This candidate is deliberately evoking images of hunting, sweat, and masculinity. Look at the flag ad campaign: the artistry calls into mind patriots saluting their national flag, only in this case, that flag has been usurped by beer. There’s even a silhouette of a moose head underneath the cap, driving home the knowledge that you’ve just cracked open a smooth, cold bottle of legendary manhood. But will the image of drinking the liquid equivalent of a penis be the right approach to get the judges on his side?


Miss Beer-ly A Beauty 2009: Alexander Keith's IPA

ALEXANDER KEITH’S IPA! Yep, the traditional beauty has taken the trophy for Miss Beer-ly a Beauty 2009, showing the world that taste, quality, and tradition mean more to beer drinkers across Canada than phallic imagery, puppies, cheap tricks, hypocrisy, variety, nostalgia, or even mostly-nekkid ladehs. So there you have it! Raise a glass of the best darn lookin’ beer in the country, and let’s all give a rousing “Fuckin’ eh!” to Alexander Keiths IPA!

  1. Fuckin’ eh, Cotton!


    thanks so much!

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