Quit eating me, Debbie, you’re totally Freuding me out…

In Advice, Funny, Life on October 23, 2010 at 11:43 pm

Dear Ally,

It’s Tom from StFX.  I’m hoping to write for TV or movies and I was wondering if you could help me with a script idea.

Basically it’s about a female serial mutilator called “Dentata.”  The reason I say mutilator is because so far no bodies have been found and no victims have come forward.  She bites off men’s penises and sends them to a news-station and this causes a huge controversial debate in society.

-Feminist organizations applaud her.  (Not unilaterally, but you know.)
-Conservative institutions lament the over-sexualization of western society and the glamorization of serial killers.
-The media is profiting off the scandal.
-The police are under enormous pressure to catch her.
-The mafia are desperate to put her out of action 1) because the police are cracking down on all sex-related activity and 2) because no guy wants to go out anymore.
-The sex workers are losing money, but their clients and owners are treating them better.  However, they are very resistant to police intervention.

I figure instead of ending it like “Oh she was sexually abused by a child, so that’s why.” I would go more with Peter Lorre in M.  Have a kangaroo court run by the mafia where Dentata tells them all how she is compulsive and can’t control herself, but they all choose to damage society through their criminal actions.  Then the police come in and arrest her before the mafia kills her.

The big bump I have right now is how to run the story.  Silence of the Lambs had Clarice, who was investigator and prey.  This gave the story momentum.  I’ve got 3 protagonist choices, but I’m not sold on any of them.

1. Mafia enforcer guy.  He is normally responsible for keeping women in line.  He beats them, hunts them down when they run away.  He goes after Dentata.  She gets him.  His problem is you can’t sympathize with him, so you get detached from the story.

2. Lead detective.  She is chosen as a woman because the cops want to put the right political image on the whole thing.  Not the most experienced, but she proves herself.  Only thing is, she won’t have the suspense of being a potential victim.

3. Overzealous reporter.  He goes into the world of sex trade.  Finds stuff he doesn’t like. Dentata watches from the shadows. Meh.

So my question is this: I’M STUCK! WHAT DO I DO NOW?


Tom Jardine

* * * * *

Dear Tom,

Well… wow. First off, your question comes at a fantastic time, because I happen to recently have had the privilege of watching two excellent castration-themed films: Teeth and Killer Condoms. While I’m sure you’ve seen both (and more), if by some chance you have not (and certainly if any of my 7 readers have not), you should absolutely hunt down a copy of each and sit yourself down on the sofa with a cup of tea and a banana (or a sausage, or a cake in the shape of a penis) and make an evening of it.

Hey, if you're serving phallic foods, you might as well play to their strengths. I mean, who wouldn't want to bite right into that?

Moving on to your quandary itself, I immediately hit upon two potentials: 1) the lead detective is, in fact, a pre-op transgender woman, meaning that she is still at risk of becoming a potential victim – this would also allow you to explore the implications of that tricky positioning – 2) the lead detective is Dentata.

While I prefer the former, I feel that the latter is perhaps more a more traditionally cinematic scenario (which might be why I prefer the former). You can see how it would play out: Debbie has just made Detective when the Case of the Detachable Penises hits her desk. She’s put on the case partly for political reasons, and partly because the largely male police department is pretty Freuded out (side note: “Freuded out” or “Freuding out” is going to be the next big thing in hep-cat slang – you heard it here first). There are several tense dramatic moments, possibly even a car chase (if you are really ballsy, make it a horse chase).

Cut to the climax: the Mafia track down Dentata after she takes out their enforcer. They corner her in a conveniently empty box factory. SHIT-SHOCK-HORROR Dentata… is Debbie (appropriate music plays). Cue Kangaroo court scene. Cue dramatic confrontation between Dentata and Mafia Don (I would suggest it culminates with Dentata either biting off the Mafioso’s nose or else gauging out his eye/eyes – talk about Freuding people out). Police arrive; Debbie convinces them all that she has, in fact, successfully busted a violent local Mafia syndicate whose signature form of “persuasion” had been castration. Debbie is heralded as hero. Cue soundtrack music from some up-and-coming band.


Yeah, these both came from the same restaurant. Bonus points if you know which one.

OPTION 3: Did I mention that Debbie is transgender? Oh yes, I went there, and I think you know you want to go there too.

TOM. Tommy J. Have I, or have I not, solved your problem? I think it should be pretty obvious to both you and the world that I have.

  1. Hey. I’ve been busy. Finally catching up.

    K. I will definitely look for Teeth and Killer Condoms. That’s some interesting insight, although I’ve lost my appetite. Yeah Freud is all over this one. My mind is trying to stretch way back to Critical Theory. There aren’t many transgender movies in the mainstream are there? It would be fun to have the protagonist totally hot, have all these 15 year olds fall in love with her and then in the last 10 minutes BAM! You thought you were sexually confused before? Mwahahahaha.

    That is definitely a good possibility. It works smoothly. I was hoping to put less emphasis on the mafia and more on human nature or something, (fucking writers,)but it works quite well. My mind is officially unstuck.

    I am no longer “Freuding out.” Mission accomplished.

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