For the Bible Tells Me So…

In Advice, Life, People, question, Relationships on April 20, 2011 at 1:46 pm

In a shocking twist, I now return you to your regularly scheduled “advice” column (try to contain your surprise, a gaping mouth is not becoming in members of polite society).

Jarett, from Nova Scotia, asks, “Why doesn’t baby Jesus love me?”

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Dear Jarett,

While your lack of toadying displeases me, your question is an intriguing one. The answer is, in fact, surprisingly simple. If I were at all interested in your immortal soul, I might take this opportunity to terrify you into believing that baby Jesus does not love you because you wear garments with blended fibres, or don’t give enough to charity, or shave, or touch yourself at night (AND in the toilet at work – he sees you). Fortunately for you, I really don’t care about your immortal soul, so I shall leave you on your path to eternal damnation.

No, see, Baby Jesus doesn’t love you because he is incapable of doing so. Even the Son of God was, during what we might term his “larval stage”, an infant, and if you’ve had any experience with infants I’m sure you will have noticed that they embody potentially the most self-absorbed stage of human development (with the exception of pre- and early-stage adolescence). I believe that babies lack the mental development to truly distinguish individuals and designate them “to be loved”, “to be feared”, “to be vomited upon”, or  classify them under any other category on the infantile emotional spectrum. 

This video provides an excellent case in point; even the mother is not immune to baby’s fickle attentions. The moment she steps out of the maternal character (in this instance, by doing something so minor as responding to bodily needs and blowing her nose), the baby’s love turns to shock and fear.

In monitoring baby/non-baby interactions, we can therefore see that the baby tends more to respond to individual moments, those characterised by a particular tone of voice, loud noise, moving set of images, etc. The only exception seems to be mothers (though, as we have seen, only when they are actively engaging in the role of “mother”; stepping outside those parameters they, too, are subject to this ever-changing perception) and there are a variety of explanations for this – I personally believe it has to do with pheromones and the provision of foodstuffs and/or cuddles. Unless you are His mother (which I strongly doubt), Baby Jesus is not likely to distinguish you from any of the swirling maelstrom of faces which shove themselves into His personal space on a daily basis. He is incapable of identifying you and of therefore loving you. (There is also the mysterious question of fathers. There has been little agreement on the baby’s identification of fathers. It seems to be largely dependent on facial hair, glasses, and funny voices).

If you were to have occasion to make Baby Jesus laugh, or smile and gurgle wetly, or fall asleep in your arms, you might believe that the baby has therefore marked you as special. Not so; unless you are a constant presence in His life, He is unlikely to remember you the moment He has left your arms, and unless you are filling his life with some form of entertainment or comfort, is likely to treat you with general indifference. I believe that this infantile tendency is compounded by the fact that Baby Jesus – by nature of his birth – would have been born into an innate sense of snobbery and superiority. Consider the Royal family: they’re simply figureheads, while Baby Jesus is, in fact, the King of kings. That’s some intense entitlement going on there, and doubtless He would be even more prone to the treatment of worshippers and well-wishers with indifference.

Even upon reaching adulthood, Jesus was unlikely to love you specifically. He seems to have transformed His general lack of interest into an indiscriminate love for all humanity, which, while it washes over you and bathes you in the light of  God, doesn’t necessarily care whether you exist or not. You might just as well be anyone else, for all Jesus cares. He really couldn’t pick you out of a line up, and He certainly wouldn’t be there to post your bail if you were caught taking pictures of ladies in the changing room at Walmart (that’s right, He sees that too).

If you find this information disturbing, I can recommend a couple of other deities or sub-deities that you might be interested in. The Greeks have a few good ones, and Buddha seems like an alright guy. Of course, there is also a particular advice blogger who has been collecting prophets lately (please send any applications to

  1. ★★★★★

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