Plue, Grink, Pinkle, and Blorange: All the Colours of the Prainbow.

In Advice, Beauty, Life on July 17, 2011 at 7:24 pm
Dear Ally,
How come light red is called pink, but light any other colour is just called light and whatever that colour is called (like light blue)?
Joanna, Botswana
* * * * *
Dear Joanna,

Your question is both logical and intriguing. It is also several years old. However, I have not been idle. Oh no. I have spent those years working towards a new taxonomy of colour which does away with arbitrary adjective-based taxa. The rules are simple enough, and will be published in my forthcoming, easy-to-read book (1426 pages, Cambridge Scholars Press, due out in 2031), entitled Plue, Grink, Pinkle, and Blorange: Towards an Intimate (De)construction of the Taxonomy of Colour (for our American readers the book will be published under the title Them Colors Sure is Purdy, by Scholastic Books Ltd.)

Gone are the intricate colour systems of old...

However, I now feel that I am at the stage where I can summarise the rules for my beloved and loyal readers in a few short paragraphs. At least, the major rules.

The system works on a principle of prefixes and suffixes which will be derived from each shade’s pre-designated hexidecimal code multiplied by the square root of its hue in degrees (see the relevant chart here). Each shade will be assigned a different suffix or prefix dependant upon its light value (measured in steps). For example, the colour previously designated “Light Yellow” is assigned hex codes of  #FFFFE0, #FFFFE2, #FFFFE4, and #FFFFE5. Using a simple alpha-numeric substitution system, we can therefore assign values of 666650, 666652, 666654, and 666655, to be multiplied by the square root of its hue, in this instance the square root of 60, which is 7.75 approximately. This equates to values of 5166537.5, 5166553, 5166568.7, and 5166576.25, respectively.

We have therefore determined that – based on this calculation of x*(√h) = Ω where x= hex code, h= hue in degrees, and Ω = suffix or prefix value – these four shades should be designated the following prefix/suffixes:

Who even wants to try and make sense of such gibberish?
5166537.5 = Qua+
5166553 = Mbli+
5166568.7 = Pswo+
5166576.25 = -hweck

However, in order to allow for easier pronunciation, the suffixes and prefixes will be integrated more intuitively into the word thusly:

5166537.5 = Quellow
5166553 = Mblillow
5166568.7 = Pswollow
5166576.25 = Yellohweck

The book will offer an extensive list of the 45,602, 432 possible suffix/prefix combinations for each potential solution and the resulting taxon for each colour and shade, but I will here outline the most common adjective-based indicators currently in use and their Quasi-Apt-Calculated-Classification (or Quacc) System name here:

Pre-Quacc: Antique White                          Quacc: Whifct
Pre-Quacc: Apple Green                               Quacc: Dwreen
Pre-Quacc: Baby Blue                                   Quacc: Vurdlue
Pre-Quacc: Bright Turquoise                     Quacc: Sniblurquoise
Pre-Quacc: Burnt Orange                            Quacc: Blorange
Pre-Quacc: Dark Electric Blue                   Quacc: Elebeluesnum
Pre-Quacc: Dark Green                                 Quacc: Greenemal
Pre-Quacc: Dark Red                                     Quacc: Chled
Pre-Quacc: Deep Fuchsia                             Quacc: Fuchsible
Pre-Quacc: Electric Ultramarine               Quacc: Skinamarinekidink
Pre-Quacc: Eton Blue                                    Quacc: Tofflue
Pre-Quacc: Forest Green                               Quacc: Imbreleen
Pre-Quacc: Harvard Crimson                      Quacc: Pretemson
Pre-Quacc: Hooker’s Green                           Quacc: Groncubine
Pre-Quacc: Indian Red                                  Quacc: Redjudice
Pre-Quacc: Light Apricot                              Quacc: Prapricot
Pre-Quacc: Light Blue                                    Quacc: Plue
Pre-Quacc: Light Green                                 Quacc: Grink
Pre-Quacc: Light Thulian Pink                   Quacc: Pinkle
Pre-Quacc: Midnight Blue                            Quacc: Blumbin
Pre-Quacc: Mint Green                                   Quacc: Mifteen
Pre-Quacc: Navy Blue                                     Quacc: Bluckle
Pre-Quacc: Palatinate Purple                       Quacc: Pumple
Pre-Quacc: Pastel Magenta                           Quacc: Magelliumite
Pre-Quacc: Rich Black                                     Quacc: Blatantlymakingitup
Pre-Quacc: Sky Blue                                         Quacc: Skumlue
Pre-Quacc: Unmellow Yellow                       Quacc: Unmyellow
Pre-Quacc: Vivid Tangerine                           Quacc: Vingerine

I know, I know, you’re going to say “but what about my ‘zinnwaldite brown’? My ‘tyrian purple’? My ‘screamin’ green’? My ‘phthalo blue’? My ‘arylide yellow’? My ‘aurometalsaurus’ (yeah, that’s a colour)?

Well my friend, February 29, 2031 will be a very magical day for you.

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