Meet Ally

The Guru

Ally is 26, and generally agreed to be female. Therefore, it is reasonably safe to assume that she is a 25 year old female (or perhaps some species of duck).

Ally is currently employed as a student, a job which she hopes to hold on to for another couple of years. Her current level of student rests somewhere in the area of “postgraduate”. At the moment, she lives in Scotland, although you can rejoice in the knowledge that she is, in fact, a rather proud Canadian. She has an irrational fear of spiders and zombies, loves to knit, and has been known to wax poetic on the subject of “the hat that got away” and a pair of missing underpants.

It has also been suggested – although those in power are quick (too quick?) to shoot the idea down – that Ally is somewhat of a nerd. A Ninja Turtles loving, film and cartoon quoting, constant book-reading, early 90’s dance music listening to nerd, with tendencies towards (but not necessarily interest in) video games, comics, and crayons. The last may be unrelated. It has been established that Ally ‘uses’ Linux, but not particularly well.

Ally’s spokesperson has issued the following statement:

While the notion that Ally is a nerd is in fact wholly laughable, if it were to be incontrovertibly proven then she would like to direct the blame towards her brother, whose fault it entirely is that she is currently not, but might later be revealed as, a nerd. Thank you.”

Despite being intelligent, stunningly beautiful, funny, majestic, cuddly, graceful, creative, morally upright, sassy, telekinetic, and widely hailed as the Goddess of Grand (there are prophets spreading the word), all is not well for Ally. She suffers daily from a crippling superiority complex, and is frequently held back by her obscene sense of humility (and humour). In addition, Ally has been known to exhibit several major sociopathic tendencies… puppies.

You may come to realize that Ally occasionally leans towards that which is commonly called “sarcasm”. For those unfamiliar with the term, Scott Feschuk defines it as “Sarcasm: for those times when cynicism’s not quite enough, but hitting the person with a plank of some kind just isn’t possible.” It is the opinion of scientists around the world that Ally’s use of sarcasm (widely held to be the defence of losers) results from the previously mentioned superiority complex.

However, the best thing that can be said about Ally is that she answers your questions on this blog. And that means that she is a magnificent person. She may answer your questions with unprovoked insults, rambling and incoherent sentences, and a heavy reliance on flat out lies, but she does answer them. If you’re looking for facts, you want Wikipedia. If you’re looking for truth you’re in the right place. Probably.

If you are a fan of Ask Ally (and why wouldn’t you be?) check out Ally’s other blogs, Neighbourhood Zombie Watch and The Procrastinatory Chef. She updates them almost as infrequently as she does Ask Ally! Excitement.

  1. I love the use of erasure in your introduction. I use “erasure” instead of “strikeout” because it was the first thing that popped into my head and yes, I may have been reading too much theory, most of which somehow goes back to Derrida…

  2. I’m also loving that definition of sarcasm. It is incredibly correct.

  3. Yes, I definitely meant to place it under erasure. I cannot see strikeout again, EVER, without seeing it immediately as erasure. I can no longer even see a purpose for strikeout other than Derrida’s.


    But Scotty is a genius. I think we should be BFF’s.

  4. Hey, just thought i’d leave a quick message to say that i found your site/self description as funny as a cleverly worded simile that suits this situation fittingly.

  5. Hey Ally it’s your little sister here, and I just wanted to say how wonderfully, and accurately you described yourself in these paragraphs… I make no gaurantee’s that this is not sarcasim, but surely that doesn’t matter because I’m me and you know you love it!! Thank you for becoming a member on my site. I has 4 NOW!! YAY! Come lots and lots, and I’ll go on yours! Luv ya,

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