Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Plue, Grink, Pinkle, and Blorange: All the Colours of the Prainbow.

In Advice, Beauty, Life on July 17, 2011 at 7:24 pm
Dear Ally,
How come light red is called pink, but light any other colour is just called light and whatever that colour is called (like light blue)?
Joanna, Botswana
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Dear Joanna,

Your question is both logical and intriguing. It is also several years old. However, I have not been idle. Oh no. I have spent those years working towards a new taxonomy of colour which does away with arbitrary adjective-based taxa. The rules are simple enough, and will be published in my forthcoming, easy-to-read book (1426 pages, Cambridge Scholars Press, due out in 2031), entitled Plue, Grink, Pinkle, and Blorange: Towards an Intimate (De)construction of the Taxonomy of Colour (for our American readers the book will be published under the title Them Colors Sure is Purdy, by Scholastic Books Ltd.)

Gone are the intricate colour systems of old...

However, I now feel that I am at the stage where I can summarise the rules for my beloved and loyal readers in a few short paragraphs. At least, the major rules.

The system works on a principle of prefixes and suffixes which will be derived from each shade’s pre-designated hexidecimal code multiplied by the square root of its hue in degrees (see the relevant chart here). Each shade will be assigned a different suffix or prefix dependant upon its light value (measured in steps). For example, the colour previously designated “Light Yellow” is assigned hex codes of  #FFFFE0, #FFFFE2, #FFFFE4, and #FFFFE5. Using a simple alpha-numeric substitution system, we can therefore assign values of 666650, 666652, 666654, and 666655, to be multiplied by the square root of its hue, in this instance the square root of 60, which is 7.75 approximately. This equates to values of 5166537.5, 5166553, 5166568.7, and 5166576.25, respectively. Read the rest of this entry »


For the Bible Tells Me So…

In Advice, Life, People, question, Relationships on April 20, 2011 at 1:46 pm

In a shocking twist, I now return you to your regularly scheduled “advice” column (try to contain your surprise, a gaping mouth is not becoming in members of polite society).

Jarett, from Nova Scotia, asks, “Why doesn’t baby Jesus love me?”

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Dear Jarett,

While your lack of toadying displeases me, your question is an intriguing one. The answer is, in fact, surprisingly simple. If I were at all interested in your immortal soul, I might take this opportunity to terrify you into believing that baby Jesus does not love you because you wear garments with blended fibres, or don’t give enough to charity, or shave, or touch yourself at night (AND in the toilet at work – he sees you). Fortunately for you, I really don’t care about your immortal soul, so I shall leave you on your path to eternal damnation.

No, see, Baby Jesus doesn’t love you because he is incapable of doing so. Even the Son of God was, during what we might term his “larval stage”, an infant, and if you’ve had any experience with infants I’m sure you will have noticed that they embody potentially the most self-absorbed stage of human development (with the exception of pre- and early-stage adolescence). I believe that babies lack the mental development to truly distinguish individuals and designate them “to be loved”, “to be feared”, “to be vomited upon”, or  classify them under any other category on the infantile emotional spectrum.  Read the rest of this entry »

Quit eating me, Debbie, you’re totally Freuding me out…

In Advice, Funny, Life on October 23, 2010 at 11:43 pm

Dear Ally,

It’s Tom from StFX.  I’m hoping to write for TV or movies and I was wondering if you could help me with a script idea.

Basically it’s about a female serial mutilator called “Dentata.”  The reason I say mutilator is because so far no bodies have been found and no victims have come forward.  She bites off men’s penises and sends them to a news-station and this causes a huge controversial debate in society. Read the rest of this entry »

Back from the dead?

In Advice, Life, People, Social Commentary on September 9, 2010 at 5:11 pm

Yes, I am aware that it might have been well over a year since my last post. I am aware that you, and the good people at WordPress, might have thought me dead. And perhaps I was…

… I was not.

But I did have some health problems pile up on top of (actually, as a direct result of) the huge amount of extra work and responsibility I took on last year. The health problems, it turns out, were caused by stress. But it took the better part of a year, with some blood tests and scans and scary scary doctors’ appointments to figure that out. And once it was figured out, there were still all the things I had to get done to get done; you know, the things causing the health scares.

This year will be different. This year I am only going to write two chapters, write a couple of articles (hopefully for publication), organise a conference, try and attend a couple of conferences, hopefully write a book review, and of course teach tutorials once a week and mark papers twice a semester. No biggie.

And since today is lovely, and I got to see an old friend, and I have some White Chocolate and Raspberry fudge from the Fudge Kitchen sitting here, I thought I might make myself a cup of tea, have a little bit of a feast, and write an Ask Ally. I would advise you to get yourself some fudge and tea and read it, and we’ll both have a pleasant evening. Read the rest of this entry »