Archive for the ‘Beauty’ Category

Plue, Grink, Pinkle, and Blorange: All the Colours of the Prainbow.

In Advice, Beauty, Life on July 17, 2011 at 7:24 pm
Dear Ally,
How come light red is called pink, but light any other colour is just called light and whatever that colour is called (like light blue)?
Joanna, Botswana
* * * * *
Dear Joanna,

Your question is both logical and intriguing. It is also several years old. However, I have not been idle. Oh no. I have spent those years working towards a new taxonomy of colour which does away with arbitrary adjective-based taxa. The rules are simple enough, and will be published in my forthcoming, easy-to-read book (1426 pages, Cambridge Scholars Press, due out in 2031), entitled Plue, Grink, Pinkle, and Blorange: Towards an Intimate (De)construction of the Taxonomy of Colour (for our American readers the book will be published under the titleย Them Colors Sure is Purdy, by Scholastic Books Ltd.)

Gone are the intricate colour systems of old...

However, I now feel that I am at the stage where I can summarise the rules for my beloved and loyal readers in a few short paragraphs. At least, the major rules.

The system works on a principle of prefixes and suffixes which will be derived from each shade’s pre-designated hexidecimal code multiplied by the square root of its hue in degrees (see the relevant chart here). Each shade will be assigned a different suffix or prefix dependant upon its light value (measured in steps). For example, the colour previously designated “Light Yellow” is assigned hex codes of ย #FFFFE0, #FFFFE2, #FFFFE4, and #FFFFE5. Using a simple alpha-numeric substitution system, we can therefore assign values of 666650, 666652, 666654, and 666655, to be multiplied by the square root of its hue, in this instance the square root of 60, which is 7.75 approximately. This equates to values of 5166537.5, 5166553, 5166568.7, and 5166576.25, respectively. Read the rest of this entry »


A belly, belly good day to you all!

In Advice, Beauty, Life, People, Social Commentary on October 5, 2009 at 10:59 am

Back in October of 2004, I received an interesting e-mail in my inbox. As I read on, I found a smile on my face. It got bigger and bigger with each passing line. It was an e-mail that has stuck with me through good times and bad, through hard times and easy livin’, and most importantly, through thick and thin.

I would like to share the contents of that e-mail with you now, friends (the potential 6 of you that aren’t my close friends IRL who I e-mailed this to last night, or my Facebook friends who I tagged in a note containing this information early this morning). And so, without further ado:

I hereby declare October 5, 2009, to be the 5th annual celebration of…


Happy Belly Day, friends!

Happy Belly Day, friends!

An “Un-Bear-able” Edition

In Animals, Beauty, Funny, Social Commentary on August 3, 2009 at 8:59 pm

Dear Ally,

Which bear is best?

Joanna, Botswana

* * *

My Dearest Joanna,

Which bear? Well, bear in mind that there are many different kind of bears. Grizzly bears, Polar bears, Black bears, Blue bears, Yellow bears, Purple bears, Koala bears, Panda bears, Kodiak bears, Gobi bears, Atlas bears, Sun bears, Moon bears, Sloth bears, Cave bears, House bears, Spectacle bears, Hat bears, Shoe bears, etc, etc, etc…

I may have made some of those up (surprisingly, Spectacle bears wasn’t one of them), but I can assure you that there are several different bears to take into consideration; I can barely begin to evaluate the qualities of each bear, but if I were to look particularly at the bare necessities, I think I could easily narrow it down to the following breeds of bear: Polar, Grizzly, Panda, Black, and Moon. Sorry, Kodiak – I made up Moon bears.

Now, when I think of bears, I am immediately reminded of beauty queens. Wait, sorry, that’s wrong. When I think of beauty queens, I am immediately reminded of bears, and of how much I would enjoy watching a bear set loose in a beauty pageant. But whatever the mental process, the fact remains that the two are inextricably linked in my mind Read the rest of this entry »

The “Is(n’t) She Lovely?” Edition

In Beauty, Funny, People, question on July 30, 2008 at 12:07 am

Dear Ally

Please could you pepper your website with more pictures of your lovely self. Of course, your witty repartee is the main feature, but your pleasing visage is rather easy on the eye and would be a great incentive for folk to return more frequently.


Dark Mallas

* * * * *

Apparently I’m pretty – I know this because my mum tells me so all the time! Read the rest of this entry »