Archive for the ‘question’ Category

For the Bible Tells Me So…

In Advice, Life, People, question, Relationships on April 20, 2011 at 1:46 pm

In a shocking twist, I now return you to your regularly scheduled “advice” column (try to contain your surprise, a gaping mouth is not becoming in members of polite society).

Jarett, from Nova Scotia, asks, “Why doesn’t baby Jesus love me?”

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Dear Jarett,

While your lack of toadying displeases me, your question is an intriguing one. The answer is, in fact, surprisingly simple. If I were at all interested in your immortal soul, I might take this opportunity to terrify you into believing that baby Jesus does not love you because you wear garments with blended fibres, or don’t give enough to charity, or shave, or touch yourself at night (AND in the toilet at work – he sees you). Fortunately for you, I really don’t care about your immortal soul, so I shall leave you on your path to eternal damnation.

No, see, Baby Jesus doesn’t love you because he is incapable of doing so. Even the Son of God was, during what we might term his “larval stage”, an infant, and if you’ve had any experience with infants I’m sure you will have noticed that they embody potentially the most self-absorbed stage of human development (with the exception of pre- and early-stage adolescence). I believe that babies lack the mental development to truly distinguish individuals and designate them “to be loved”, “to be feared”, “to be vomited upon”, or  classify them under any other category on the infantile emotional spectrum.  Read the rest of this entry »


The “Yo Mama” Edition

In Life, People, question, Social Commentary on June 17, 2009 at 3:36 am

Dear Ally,

Why are there joke murderers? Why do they exist?


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Sehr geehrter Herr Gráinne,

My free online translator slaved over that extensive piece of English to German translation, so you’d best appreciate. Also it best be right. Because if we cannot trust the internets, who can we trust?

Your question might require some explanation for those who have had the good fortune not to run into such an individual, or who have but are not familiar with the term “joke murderer”.

A joke murderer indicates a person who, by some sort of innate talent or through the absolute lack of a sense of humour, manages to destroy what would have otherwise been a perfectly funny joke. I must clarify: I am not merely referring to someone who is incapable of delivering a scripted joke (as those are never funny) or whose failure to understand a joke causes for a lengthy explanation which negates the humour. Read the rest of this entry »

The “Is(n’t) She Lovely?” Edition

In Beauty, Funny, People, question on July 30, 2008 at 12:07 am

Dear Ally

Please could you pepper your website with more pictures of your lovely self. Of course, your witty repartee is the main feature, but your pleasing visage is rather easy on the eye and would be a great incentive for folk to return more frequently.


Dark Mallas

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Apparently I’m pretty – I know this because my mum tells me so all the time! Read the rest of this entry »

The “Clowning Around” Edition

In Advice, Funny, Life, People, question, Social Commentary on July 29, 2008 at 6:24 pm

Trish, from London (ON), writes:

Dear Ally,

Clowns are creepy. Devastatingly creepy. As devastatingly creepy as you are devastatingly gorgeous. Why, then, do people insist on using them as a form of children’s entertainment? It seems horribly inappropriate!


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My Dear Trish

It is a scientific fact that many, many people have developed deep-seated phobias about clowns (known as coulrophobia), usually from prolonged exposure to them while still a child. One might think, therefore, that given the large percentage of the adult population who are themselves petrified of clowns that the number of children forced to endure clown-interaction would eventually decline, as parents everywhere became aware of the extensive psychological trauma that they were unknowingly inflicting on little Timmy.

But, strangely, it isn’t, it hasn’t, and it won’t be. Read the rest of this entry »