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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

For the Bible Tells Me So…

In Advice, Life, People, question, Relationships on April 20, 2011 at 1:46 pm

In a shocking twist, I now return you to your regularly scheduled “advice” column (try to contain your surprise, a gaping mouth is not becoming in members of polite society).

Jarett, from Nova Scotia, asks, “Why doesn’t baby Jesus love me?”

* * * * *

Dear Jarett,

While your lack of toadying displeases me, your question is an intriguing one. The answer is, in fact, surprisingly simple. If I were at all interested in your immortal soul, I might take this opportunity to terrify you into believing that baby Jesus does not love you because you wear garments with blended fibres, or don’t give enough to charity, or shave, or touch yourself at night (AND in the toilet at work – he sees you). Fortunately for you, I really don’t care about your immortal soul, so I shall leave you on your path to eternal damnation.

No, see, Baby Jesus doesn’t love you because he is incapable of doing so. Even the Son of God was, during what we might term his “larval stage”, an infant, and if you’ve had any experience with infants I’m sure you will have noticed that they embody potentially the most self-absorbed stage of human development (with the exception of pre- and early-stage adolescence). I believe that babies lack the mental development to truly distinguish individuals and designate them “to be loved”, “to be feared”, “to be vomited upon”, or  classify them under any other category on the infantile emotional spectrum.  Read the rest of this entry »

Valentines’ Day Haiku Part III: I love chicken, I love liver, MeowMix MeowMix please deliver

In Funny, Life, People, Poetry, Relationships, Social Commentary on February 17, 2011 at 12:30 am

The final installment of my Valentines’ Day Haiku tweet collection brings together tweets from the day leading up to V-Day, as well as the grand occasion itself.

#1

Slipping on icy

cobble-stones, frost on the glass.

Month of love and roses.

(Yeah, I added an extra syllable. Deal with it)

#2

So soft in my arms.

We hug, I am comforted.

My teddy loves me.

(My teddy’s name is Penny the Gender Ambiguous Bear)

#3

Red roses, red wine

red hearts, red cards, red army

Communist onslaught?

(Think about it) (Least successful communist onslaught ever)

#4

Valentines pancakes.

Heart-shaped, drowning in syrup

and love. Digested.

#5

Read the rest of this entry »

More Valentines Day Haiku: Because Love Don’t Cost a Thing

In Animals, Funny, Life, People, Poetry, Relationships on February 11, 2011 at 2:34 am

Requests were made for more haiku. Okay, a request was made. But since I had written about 600 words today, I felt that I was justified in indulging further procrastination. But I must warn you that for some reason I was obsessed with bestiality tonight. It wasn’t a conscious thing, but apparently it was lurking in the back of my mind for some unknown reason. A number of the haiku reflect that fact.

And so:

#1

My tail for legs: I

moved worlds for you, but mermaid

sex is still bestial

#2

Read the rest of this entry »

Valentine’s Day Haiku (Because I love our love. It’s lovely)

In Funny, Life, People, Poetry, Relationships on February 10, 2011 at 4:20 am

I was tweeting these Valentine’s Day themed haiku that I came up with because I was thinking about how much I dislike Valentine’s Day and how much I like haiku and how much I was failing at getting any work done so I might as well marry the first two ideas in genius.

I don’t know about the genius, but I did successfully waste a half an hour. There will be more, I’ll add them as they come.

#1

Oh! Tesco roses,

seduce me with wilted petals

and store brand cider.

#2

Two months, now, of your

sloppy kisses – too much tongue!

But I won’t end it.

#3

Your hand grips my hand –

sweaty palms. Sidewalk: the

dominion of our love.

#4

Our love beams through time

and space; it burns. Like that time

you gave me the clap.

#5 Read the rest of this entry »