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Posts Tagged ‘babies’

For the Bible Tells Me So…

In Advice, Life, People, question, Relationships on April 20, 2011 at 1:46 pm

In a shocking twist, I now return you to your regularly scheduled “advice” column (try to contain your surprise, a gaping mouth is not becoming in members of polite society).

Jarett, from Nova Scotia, asks, “Why doesn’t baby Jesus love me?”

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Dear Jarett,

While your lack of toadying displeases me, your question is an intriguing one. The answer is, in fact, surprisingly simple. If I were at all interested in your immortal soul, I might take this opportunity to terrify you into believing that baby Jesus does not love you because you wear garments with blended fibres, or don’t give enough to charity, or shave, or touch yourself at night (AND in the toilet at work – he sees you). Fortunately for you, I really don’t care about your immortal soul, so I shall leave you on your path to eternal damnation.

No, see, Baby Jesus doesn’t love you because he is incapable of doing so. Even the Son of God was, during what we might term his “larval stage”, an infant, and if you’ve had any experience with infants I’m sure you will have noticed that they embody potentially the most self-absorbed stage of human development (with the exception of pre- and early-stage adolescence). I believe that babies lack the mental development to truly distinguish individuals and designate them “to be loved”, “to be feared”, “to be vomited upon”, or  classify them under any other category on the infantile emotional spectrum.  Read the rest of this entry »

Spring Break? More Like Spring GREAT!

In Life, People, Travel on February 29, 2008 at 12:38 am

Since many of my North American followers are, either at this very moment or in the weeks with precede/follow this, enjoying their Spring Breaks (less joyfully known as ‘Reading Weeks’), I thought that I would share with you the memory of my favourite, and coincidentally most epic, Spring Break.

The year was 2007, the month: February. I can remember it as if it were only last year…

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Keep in mind; all of these stories are true. I know that some of them may seem a little farfetched, but place your trust in me, friends. I would never lead you astray. Not a lie has ever passed my lips, nor shall I start a legacy of falsehood today. So set your eyebrows to stunned, for you won’t believe your eyeballs when they communicate to your brain all of the magnificent things that happened to me over that long ago Spring Break… Read the rest of this entry »

The “Optimus Prime” Edition

In Advice, Funny, Life, People, question on December 22, 2007 at 9:05 pm

Kirk, from Ottawa, writes:

I have a question for the great, ubiquitous Ally. Like all good things in life it is a 2 parter…
1) Where do babies come from?
2) Are new babies properly equipped to meet the needs of the modern urban crime environment?
3) Why don’t I understand the 2 part question?

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Dear Kirk,

Ahh, you have some good age-old questions in there. And I am pleased by your use of a four syllable word in my honour: “ubiquitous.” I can think of no other word to describe me better. But moving along from your verbal aptitude…

Babies – always with the babies. I remember, when I was a small child, my mother told me all about it. She gave me some song and dance about how when a man and a woman are in love they give each other a special hug. Then the stork comes and things get all kinky and maybe there’s a little bit of Boyz II Men playing in the background. Then some things might go where they’re really not supposed to but as long as the man’s yoo-hoo-willy makes its way into the woman’s flibbertigibbet at some point or another, the stork will eventually emerge from the mummy’s tummy carrying a baby in a cloth sack and that’s where your baby brother came from. Read the rest of this entry »