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Posts Tagged ‘beauty queens’

An “Un-beer-able” Edition

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Hello friends! I thought it only appropriate to answer this question, given the similar nature of the previous question regarding bears:

Dear Ally (the magnanimous)

Which beer is best?

~Emily, from Ottawa

* * *

My dearest Emily,

Ah beer. The sweet, delicious nectar of various rotten grains. Liquefied bread. That heady combination of nausea and testosterone that drives me crazy. Mmm.

Seriously, though, I love beer. It’s some good fun. And though I’m certainly no where near qualified enough to pass judgement on which beer ever made could be considered best, I can certainly tell you which of the beers I have drank often enough to remember their names (strange foreign beers with elephants on the bottle are thus excluded) is best. But what shall I base this decision on? Taste? Texture? Colour? Price? Availability? Pretty labels? Advertising campaigns? The force of the hangover? Puke-o-meter? No.

You see, Emily from Ottawa, when I think of beer, I think of beauty queens. I think it is because I tend to associate beer with girls I see going out on a Saturday night wearing more make-up than a drag queen, larger eyelashes than a Muppet, bigger hair than an Amy Winehouse, and less fabric than the Veterinarian Barbie I had when I was four. And, naturally, I associate beauty queens with more make-up than a drag queen, larger eyelashes than a Muppet, bigger hair than Amy Winehouse, and less clothing than good ol’ VetBarbie. So, through a logical mental association, in my mind BEER + BEAUTY QUEENS = LOVE 4 EVA.

And so, using much the same method of judgement by which I so recently decided which bear was best, I shall now endeavour to choose that beer which will from this day carry the distinction of being…

** Miss Beer-ly a Beauty 2009! **

*Gasp!* Shock! Awe! Originality! I know, I know. You can all praise my genius later, though. Now it is time to get down to business and introduce our fantastic contestants: Read the rest of this entry »

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An “Un-Bear-able” Edition

In Animals, Beauty, Funny, Social Commentary on August 3, 2009 at 8:59 pm

Dear Ally,

Which bear is best?

Thanks,
Joanna, Botswana

* * *

My Dearest Joanna,

Which bear? Well, bear in mind that there are many different kind of bears. Grizzly bears, Polar bears, Black bears, Blue bears, Yellow bears, Purple bears, Koala bears, Panda bears, Kodiak bears, Gobi bears, Atlas bears, Sun bears, Moon bears, Sloth bears, Cave bears, House bears, Spectacle bears, Hat bears, Shoe bears, etc, etc, etc…

I may have made some of those up (surprisingly, Spectacle bears wasn’t one of them), but I can assure you that there are several different bears to take into consideration; I can barely begin to evaluate the qualities of each bear, but if I were to look particularly at the bare necessities, I think I could easily narrow it down to the following breeds of bear: Polar, Grizzly, Panda, Black, and Moon. Sorry, Kodiak – I made up Moon bears.

Now, when I think of bears, I am immediately reminded of beauty queens. Wait, sorry, that’s wrong. When I think of beauty queens, I am immediately reminded of bears, and of how much I would enjoy watching a bear set loose in a beauty pageant. But whatever the mental process, the fact remains that the two are inextricably linked in my mind Read the rest of this entry »